by Anindita Sengupta

A woman I know has been physically, sexually and verbally abused by her husband for years. In her forties now, she has a teenage daughter who is growing up to be exceptionally quiet. An intelligent and educated woman, she gave up her career after marriage at her husband's insistence. Over the years, the abuse worsened and she felt mired in her own dependence. About a year ago, however, she was encouraged by friends to take a part-time job. She is now earning (possibly enough to get by on her own), but she doesn't feel like she can leave yet. We suspect she is waiting for her daughter to grow up. She doesn't want her to face the stigma of a broken home.

Domestic violence is a serious problem in India. Over 40% of Indian women have experienced domestic violence at some point in their married lives, and nearly 55% think that spousal abuse is warranted in several circumstances, according to the third National Family Health Survey (NFHS-III) released last month. People's attitudes towards domestic violence are even more disturbing. From the news report:

With regard to attitudes to domestic violence, the NFHS found that 41% of women thought that husbands were justified in slapping their wives if the latter showed disrespect to their in-laws. Meanwhile, a substantial 35% of women thought they deserved a brutal beating at the hands of their spouses if they neglected doing the household chores or looking after their children.

Given this attitude towards domestic violence from the victims themselves, it is unsurprising that nearly 51% of the 75,000 Indian men surveyed think hitting or beating their wives is acceptable for certain reasons, particularly if she disrespects her in-laws. A smaller number think bad cooking or refusing sex are reasons for physically assaulting their wives.

What exacerbates the problem are attitudes towards marriage and divorce. The sanctity and permanence of marriage is an important concept in our culture. Alhough more common than before, divorce is still stigmatised and there are huge social and moral implications attached to bringing up children in a ‘broken home'. Combined with the natural paralysis caused by fear, shame and helplessness, such factors exert tremendous pressure on victims and force them to remain in abusive marriages. Abusive men often use the fear of social censure or guilt as a form of coercion and control to make sure women stay exactly where they are - under their booted foot.

Anindita Sengupta is a writer, journalist and poet based in Bangalore, India. She is also the founder and editor of Ultra Violet, a collablog of young Indian feminists. Like in other countries, violence against women cuts across class and economic status in India too. A new law on domestic violence has been hailed with much optimism by women's rights workers - and with good reason. But legislation can only be part of the solution to a problem which is deeply rooted in social and cultural attitudes towards the sexes. It is not enough to provide women with legal means or to ensure that they can be economically independent. (Although, of course, these are fundamental and very crucial steps.) The social and personal aspects of such a problem need to be addressed effectively as well.

Women need to feel that leaving a marriage will not subject them or their children to additional trauma and humiliation. That their ‘failed marriage' is not their failure. They need to be made aware that growing up in an atmosphere of violence and abuse is far more damaging to children than a parent's divorce. That marriage is only as sacred as the two people involved make it. That a ‘broken home' is better than a broken person.

Most of all, these attitudes need to be mainstreamed. Lexicon that judges or demeans divorced people or single parent families needs to go.

To many of us, these may seem like practical, self-evident truths but many people in India do not view them as such. While attitudes are changing slowly, it is up to us to ensure that such change is accelerated. There are strong links between small judgements on morality or family and large issues of life and death. It is up to us to recognise these links and guard against regressive forces that would rather have battered women than broken homes.

Picture: via babasteve flickR account.