by Jennifer Varela
I have an incredible ability I'd
like to share with you all: I am incapable of seeing myself as I truly
am. Women are never allowed to escape themselves. As I get dressed in
the mornings, pass the hallways mirror in my office, glance at my reflection
in the supermarket window, I am always, continuously, permanently aware
of myself. More specifically, aware of my body. Logic evaporates from
me as I am confronted with an all too-familiar sights of my "fat"
self. I quickly take a ratio of knees to thighs, clock the circumference
of my upper arms and the resulting diagnosis will dictate my daily outlook.
When I take out my measuring instruments,
make my calculations and move the beads across the abacus, I know that
I am not fat. I am not even remotely medically fat. My Body Mass Index
has always within the boring healthy range - even during my "fat"
years - and for the most part, I presently sport size 6 US (10 UK).
Making allowances for my height of 5'9" and on a good day, I'd
even humour my shape at "thin". But to have to try on a pair of
trousers in a larger size, to have to step on a scale, to catch sight
of an unflattering photograph - all these normal acts constitute sources
of panic and anxiety. After a recent spell of weight loss, I made a
pact to not know my weight, save for the yearly checkups at the doctor,
as the entire ritual fills my body with nauseas dread and even the thought
of the act is met with a tightening in my chest.
Jennifer
Varela is attempting to be a freelance journalist, living in London,
UK. She departed from her native Toronto to embark on an M.A. in Near
& Middle Studies at the School of Oriental and African Studies. She counts Luis Buñuel
films, '78-'82 post-punk and coffee among her friends.
But psychologically, I feel enormous.
For the most part of my "thin" intervals, I simply find it impossible
to correlate the size of my jeans to the reflection I see in the mirror.
It is comparable to having a carnival mirror attached to me wherever
I go; I know what I am but I can't see it. On bad days I want to quickly
check my size, just to make sure an extra "1" hasn't magically
appeared in front of the size number. To paraphrase Susie Orbach in
Fat is a Feminist Issue, I simply have not had enough time to "recognize"
my "thin" self. It is sticking up a middle finger to all the thin
girls who had never been made to feel self-loathing: "Ha ha! I
was once fat but I broke free and joined your ranks! How does it feel
to be infiltrated by outsiders?"
With the onset of puberty and all
of its glorious physical transformations, I was quickly informed by
my peers that I was not of the "correct" body shape. Namely, that
I was fat. In hindsight, I never was more than a normal-sized child
growing into her adolescent shell. But graver, is that even at such
a young age, as children we had already been conditioned to have strict
ideas on what was to be attractive. As Naomi Wolf successfully named
it, the beauty myth had already taken hold. By the time I entered high
school, it had spread to a pandemic. My main concern became that of
my size and how to reduce it. There were other preoccupations festering
in my teenage head, of course - records, boys and simplistic Marxist
theory - but all paled in the shadow of my allegedly large ass.
I did not want to be normal or healthy,
but T-H-I-N. Achieving high marks in university, being part of a wide
social circle and having a boyfriend did nothing to quell my desire
for bodily perfection. It was never about making myself more attractive
to the opposite sex. Rather, as I had been thrown out of the club at
a young age, it was in defiance of their standards. This was a question
of control and my inability to contort my image into that which I deemed
acceptable to present the (mostly male) outside world infuriated me
to no end.
By my early twenties, I had finally
achieved my utmost aspiration and through a textbook routine of healthy
diet and exercise (after a few stunted attempts at anorexia campaigns
that never did last more than a few days due to my lack of will-power),
I slimmed and trimmed my way down to a size my 14 year old self would
have considered as attainable as a walk on the moon. Was I super-skinny?
No. But was I smaller, thinner? Absolutely. And yet here I was, finally
equipped, I felt, to face the rest of my life and it would be not my
life experiences, relationships or personality but the inches across
my waist that would be my source of strength. I was thin now. I am entitled
to anything. I was a success.