On being a survivor,

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 17:48:18 +0000

by Katie

Survivors of sibling incest abuse suffer from a lack of writing about the experience. I try to write about it with women, girls, boys and men in mind: anyone else who is going through or has experienced something similar.

I would also like to write about the experience of calling oneself a survivor. This has been poignant in reflecting on what I have been through, and a key process of the stages of my healing.

Statistics report that child sexual abuse affects 1 in 3 girls/women and 1 in 4 boys/men in the UK. The abuse can span from being exposed to pornography to ritualistic torture. Children are most likely to be abused by someone they know, someone they trust, someone in their own family. And yet, the family is the ultimate in many societies, it is something sacred: we keep things ‘behind doors', we keep things ‘in the family'. We often perpetuate this silence to save our families through our love for them, but it simultaneously allows abuse to continue.

Katie, 25, waits for the third wave of feminism in the UK, whilst trying to keep her self esteem political and healthy against all odds. She graduated from Goldsmiths College in 2006. Becoming survivor the first and the second time

Seven years have now passed since my sexual abuse physically stopped, and 14 years since the first time it happened. Around the age of 22 I spent some time reading about sexual abuse on the Internet, and found this word: ‘survivor'. I found that many individuals were getting together online, working together as survivors of similar experiences to get stronger, heal, advocate, prevent, be heard and be believed.

There's something incredibly relieving and strong when someone says to a survivor "you did not deserve this, I believe you, it is not your fault."

Survivors are, I suppose, what society prefers to call victims, but "survivor" is a much stronger word, it demonstrates that the abuse is over, it signifies the strength they have to have stayed alive and the courage they have to face it and attempt to heal.

Survivorship is what I call when survivors get together, get active or get supportive. Like sportsmanship, it has rules. We offer to be pocket-riders for each other as we have a tough day, a counselling session or have to see our birth families.

For me, being a survivor spans all my experience of childhood and adolescent sexual molestations, fears, taboos, memories, aftermath, lack of self care, alcoholism, self harm, depression, body issues. It encompasses everything up to the day where everything is finally ok until you see him in the street and then back to square one - you are at the start of the healing process all over again.
Being a survivor was first and formost about dealing amidst the abuse,:you're young, confused, broken, screaming inside but numb on the out. No-one knows about what's wrong but everyone seem to think there is something wrong with you. He watches over you all the time, his stench is everywhere which forces you to space out, same as when he's doing things to you and you are prepared to do anything to prevent him getting hold of you.

I became another type of survivor when I discovered online communities with similar stories, whose member were writing their ordeal in order to break the silence and reclaim themselves, admitting that they are still hurt and still healing. This got me the courage to go to counselling and therapy.

And then there is the aftermath: the self care issues, the flashbacks, the intimacy issues, the continuing issues with the family or with the perpetrator(s), with our bodies, our minds, our new relationships, and for some our own children.

Can survivorship be seen as feminist?

Survivorship is not just a female experience: it is not gender biased and it is not connected to the sexuality of the victim. It is activism to talk to other people about sexual abuse and survivorship. As feminism does, it encourages a supportive community, and advocates for a certain unity aginast abuse.

A complete definition of feminism isn't complete or available; same goes for a definition of survivorship. It is a completely subjective experience and not just a term: I can't begin to put the concept into words but I am relieved and appreciative that it is there for me, and I vow to be there for it.

Picture: Arslan's flickR account.

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On being a survivor,