Four tips for would be British immigrants (and one for those who hate them)

There are some important things that people thinking about moving to Britain need to know before they come here...

Timothy Smith
31 October 2014


Immigrants are facing a tough time when they come to the United Kingdom. Everywhere they look they are seemingly unwelcome. UKIP have surged 25% in the polls and could win 128 seats in the next election, making the political landscape even more hostile to immigrants.

It must then be difficult for any prospective immigrants to know what to make of the UK. It must also be tough when deciding whether to even come to the UK at all. As such here is a brief guide (in English, as obviously you should speak English if you come to the UK) aimed at helping:

There are no British women

One of the famous myths spread by right wing parties and the right wing press is that as a male immigrant you will take British women and British jobs, leaving none left for the indigenous British male. Right wing bigots make out as if any vaguely non-white guy walking across the border will lead to a white women leaving her husband and rushing into the arms of Raj or Kwame. This advertising from the BNP et al has caused male immigrants flocking in their droves to the UK, only to be grossly disappointed on their arrival.

If you are coming to the UK as an eager sexpat. Don’t. This British women myth, is just that, a myth. There is no gross surplus of British women at the disposal of any slightly non-white looking man. Rather than finding a willing wife, you’re more likely to run into women like this on the tram (although there is arguably some sexual tension there)! In fact, as a struggling, single, brown journalist I can say first hand that this is simply not true (if you know any British women, do tweet me though!).

Stealing British jobs

‘’They took our jobs!’’ Declares any right-wing politician. You’d be forgiven then for thinking as an immigrant that you’d come to England and have your pick of all the best jobs. Just roll over the border and usurp David Cameron as the British Prime Minister or replace Wayne Rooney as Manchester United’s foremost overpaid striker. Easy. The truth though, is unfortunately not quite as sexy (which is why I’m writing this article without pay for openDemocracy- times are hard). The areas where immigrants are most likely to find jobs in the UK are in ‘low skilled’ jobs such as horticulture and food manufacturing. That push for ten Downing Street or for a place in behind Radamel Falcao at United may have to wait after all. Be prepared to start at the bottom and get shouted at for doing so. As an immigrant you’re really damned if you do, damned if you don’t. If you work then you’re stealing British jobs, if you don’t work then you’re a benefit scrounging, lazy immigrant. Try to find a balance of not taking a British job, not claiming benefits and not being lazy (I’m as confused about this as you are).

It’s incredibly cold

Before leaving home an immigrant should consider the weather. The BNP and UKIP post a lot of false advertising when it comes to immigration. They tell potential immigrants that the sun is proverbially always shining here. It isn’t. In fact, it’s incredibly cold and the autumn-winter season is now in full swing. Do you really want to leave the sunny shores of South Asia to relocate to cold, harsh London? I myself could be working on my suntan on a farm in the Punjab were it not for my grandparents migration to the UK. If you do come wrap up warm. I know that I myself am not built for these conditions. In fact sometimes I think the cold winters are a Tory conspiracy to test the resolve of us non-white Brits and force as back home (you heard it here first)!

An immigrant revolution is not imminent

With idiotic Tory MPs talking about immigrants ‘swamping’ Britain it’s easy to come to the conclusion that Britain is becoming some sort of immigrant, post-colonial society, whereby a sort of Walking Dead-esque post-apocalyptic Britain is on the horizon.

In reality though, Britain is still pretty white and still, funnily enough, pretty British (not to mention still pretty racist). If you expect to come to Britain and chill with your non-British brothers and sisters in harmony, think again! Only 11.9% of the population is actually foreign born and I hate to break it to you but according to the most recent census (2011) 87.7% of the population is still white. The revolution is unfortunately not imminent.

Advice for anti-immigrant haters

For all the rhetoric from right-wing commentators they do a terrible job of dissuading people from coming to the UK. The BNP, UKIP and the Tories make out as if immigrants will come to the UK have their pick of the jobs and of the women (and of the men), living a chilled out, care-free existence. Immigrants, they tell us, can sit around drinking Pina Coladas whilst collecting benefits. If only this were the case! What these parties should do instead is release new posters with simple logos. “Don’t come, its freezing!’’ for example. Simple, yet effective. Right now they’re simply luring in immigrants under false pretences. It’s not fair on the immigrants and it’s not fair on those good native British people who just want to express their racist views in peace!

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