How to be a successful 'ethnic' in Britain

Here are five simple tips for ensuring you're a good ethnic, mostly gleamed from personal experience and a close reading of the Sun.

Timothy Smith
7 August 2014

Flickr/didkovskaya. Some rights reserved.

David Cameron’s recent cabinet reshuffle has dominated the press. Cameron is trying to present a more ‘representative’ image as he promotes women to key positions and moves out some of his old chums in the process. What is striking though, is that prior to his reshuffle there was just one ethnic minority in cabinet, Sajid Javid, who is the Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport. Despite promoting women to senior positions the majority, if not all of them, will likely be white, with BME (black, minority and ethnic) women left looking on hopelessly as power slips them by. As an ethnic woman times are tough. But for ethnic men there can be some hope. Here is a guide about how to make it to the top as an ethnic:

1)      Be the biggest patriot in the room

As a non-white your credentials as a patriot will always be in question. White people will see you as not fitting in and even worse, not wanting to fit in. To get around this you need to make sure that you are the biggest patriot. At the World Cup (or any sporting event involving Britain, or during a war…) you should have a huge St Georges flag hanging outside of your house. The flag should be so big that your house can be mistaken for an English Defence League meet-up (if it is mistaken as such invite the good folk of the EDL in for a pot of tea - tea, not chai). When its Remembrance Day make sure your poppy is highly visible on your suit (and massive). Don’t let old white people think you’ve forgotten (they fought for freedom - even if Britain was running a barbaric empire at the same time… but that’s all history).

2)      Distance yourself from other non-whites and non-white culture

Sajid Javid provides a great role model in this regard. His family are Muslim but he doesn’t practice and has married a Christian lady. Javid has also gone as far as to say on record that ‘’I think we should recognize that Christianity is the religion of our country.’’ Distance yourself from your own culture and cultural beliefs and reposition yourself with white Brits. You can also do this by taking right wing stances on issues. Politically speaking you should probably be a Tory because most rich white people are Tory’s. Forget Labour. Labour pretend to be progressive but let’s not forget how Gordon Brown and Tony Blair’ last Labour cabinets were incredibly white and male (what ever happened to David Lammy?).

3)      Hate all immigrants

Immigrants are evil! And they are your biggest competition in the job market (aside from white people, obviously). If you really want to be a successful ethnic who makes it to the top you have to call for Britain to close those borders! This is what explains the rise of ethnic minorities supporting UKIP.  Say things like ‘well we can’t let them all in can we... there just isn’t enough space.’ If you’re really bold you could even say something like ‘yeah, England just isn’t recognizable anymore, they are taking over, what happened to British values?’

New immigrants are lazy, scrounging, good for nothing Eastern Europeans and Sharia law advocating Muslims. Your type of immigrant built Britain, their type of immigrant destroyed it. As an ethnic you can come into a debate about immigration and say things that white people are simply too afraid to say! Make those bold statements about how ‘they are taking over,’ bemoan how ‘lazy’ and ‘unappreciative’ immigrants are. Talk about them not trying to fit in with the way they dress and smell and if you want to win extra brownie (or whitey) points say something like ‘they’re just scroungers, can’t they f**k off back to Bangladesh or wherever they’re from?’’

4)      Make white people feel comfortable about their own ignorance and racism

If someone says something like ‘you’re brown, do you celebrate Christmas?’ or 'do you have turkey or curry?’ do not respond angrily or sarcastically. Say something like ‘well we have turkey, but I bet most of them lot have curry.’ They will love this. The biggest mistake you can make is to appear like you’re siding with your own people or with other ethnics. You have to present yourself as normal and nearly white, different to your average Sanjeev, Kwame or Suneeta. If you want to really step your game up make a racist joke or two. Let the white people know that you are down with that sort of ‘banter’.  You want to give off a vibe that you wish you were white, because we all know white is right! If you’re lucky you may even be rewarded with the most coveted of remarks that you are 'alright for one of them' (whatever ‘one of them’ you may be).

5)      Be Islamophobic

If you want to win the white man over you have to unite over a shared enemy. Hating immigrants isn’t enough. It’s just too vague and still leaves you open to attack. Instead that enemy is none other than the viscous Islamist who is taking over ‘our’ streets. If you’re of Muslim origin then this is even more important, you can really go to the top if you’ve now denounced Islam. White people can now justify their Islamophobia by citing your work, as an obvious expert in the field. White people love to hear ‘former’ Muslims venting about how evil Islam is. You can really score points in this field by egging white people on, letting them feel like their Islamophobia is an accurate appraisal of current social issues. Say something like ‘it’s just racist, but… they moan about life here, yet they’re happy to claim benefits and aren’t exactly quick to get on the next flight to Muslamistan.’ You try to fit in but Muslims don’t. Bond with the white man over a shared hatred and let them know that their concerns are valid and not even remotely racist or bigoted. This is what my name sake Amit Singh tried to do when he joined the EDL

Although perhaps he took it a little too far.

(Don't join the EDL.)


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