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Russia diagnoses Condie’s problems

13 January 2006

According to Russian news agency, Pravda, US Secretary of State Condolessa Rice’s “strict teacher” approach in criticizing Russia over its recent energy dispute with Ukraine, can only be attributed to one thing: Condie’s “sexual problems.” This dispute, which arose out of Russian President Vladimar Putin’s decision to withhold natural gas from Ukraine’s pipelines, led childless Condie’s to say that Russia's actions towards Ukraine did not characterize it as a respectable member of the Group of Eight. Earlier this week, a State Department official added to this criticism, telling the New York Times: “Let's say that the Russians are not cutting a very splendid figure as G-8 president, precipitating an energy crisis in Europe the first day of their presidency.” Pravda journalist Yaroslava Krestovskaya writes that the Secretary of State’s criticism of Russian policy “sounded like a reprimand from a strict babysitter that was teaching its baby to behave,” which is ridiculous, he insists, because “it goes without saying that the largest Eurasian power is not a baby.”

In an “exclusive” interview to Pravda, the leader of the Liberal and Democratic Party of Russia (LDPR), Vladimir Zhirinovsky, explained in greater detail how spinsters like Rice can be a threat to international relations. Because they have nothing else to do, they become very rough, behave like malicious mothers-in-law, and need to show how tough they can be by pushing everyone around, “just like Napoleon, Genghis Khan, Tamerlane, or Alexander the Great of Macedon.” Zhirinovsky suggests that in order to stop Rice from doing any more damage, “she needs to be taken to barracks where she would be satisfied” by a company of soldiers.

For readers who wish to learn more about this theory, the Pravda report contains a number of helpful links which provide context and background information to the Russian gas dispute and Rice’s personality issues. They include reports such as “German woman charged over torturing children”, “Sextuplets born in Dominican Republic,” “Russia to run triumphant international politics in 2006?” and “Man accused of killing pedophile priest.”

This is not the first time Pravda and Condi have clashed. A report dated 10 January was headed, “Condoleezza Rice wants Russia to obey her every single word,” and said that the Secretary of State “is not a woman; she is a function.” Although the report concedes that Rice looks good for a woman in her profession, it notes that she recently celebrated her 50th birthday. This event clearly does not bode well for the future of US-Russian relations, because “lonely women usually become resentful and unrestrained at this age.”

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