California Stitch-up

The following are extracts from a speech I gave last week to the Californian Institute of Cosmetically-Enhanced Women – all complaints should be sent to my editors.

Thank you for having me, girls. This won’t take long, I promise.

What a beautiful day it is today, don’t you think? A perfect day for politics.

[Silence]

OK. I’ll get right to the point. California has the world’s fifth largest economy, third largest debt, and first largest breasts.

God has blessed the Golden State.

[Polite applause]

We have Hollywood, Silicon Valley and Silicon Implants.

[Silence]

But now, just when Californians should be sitting pretty in their cosmetic clinics, this great state of ours has a problem. A big problem. A double F-cup of a problem. If we don’t dismantle our bureaucracy in the next six months, I fear we’re all going straight to hell...

[Screaming]

...via the canyon of the San Andreas Fault.

[Louder screaming]

Thank you. Lex Luther, an old friend of mine and the world’s greatest criminal mind, once dreamt of sinking California into the Pacific Ocean as part of a lucrative real estate deal. If it wasn’t for Superman, then Luther’s sick dream may have become a sicker reality.

I say this state needs a new Superman!

[Whooping and cheering]

And that is why, ladies and security guards, I intend to quit writing aimless satire columns and run for Governor of California!

[Whooping and cheering of the more restrained kind]

I know I will face formidable opponents. But tonight, I make this promise to you: I will do everything in my power to outspend them all!

All I need is your support, and your money. And not necessarily in that order.

My aim is simple – like Benny in LA Law. I want to put the orni back into California.

Think of me not as Republican, not as Democrat. Think of me as handsome, with lots of powerful friends, some very nice fast cars, and a beautiful, glamorous wife.

Think of me as your friend. A friend who will fight for you, the silent face-lifted.

This is a man’s contest – unless you count the porn stars. I am a man. If you don’t believe me, just wait ‘til you open your morning paper. The press have some pictures. I was young. They were taken almost a year ago. I was forced into it, and so on.

But I plan to fight this campaign cleanly. I will shower at least four times a day, sometimes alone.

[Applause]

Bless you, really. Bless all of you. Is that a cheque book I hear opening? Just kidding. But seriously, money talks. It’s a sad truth, but a politician can no longer win an election just by pressing lots of flesh. In the post-Clinton age, it all depends on whose flesh you press, and how often, and whether your wife finds out.

So let’s forget about flesh for a moment. How about a bit of good ol’ fashioned palm-greasing?

[Hollering]

Of course, this is a democracy, and you, the voters, face a difficult choice. My announcement makes me the 136th candidate in the race for governor. Now, I know I’m not going to win any muscle contests...

[Laughter]

I am proud to be one of Cali’s foremost vegans. I have inner strength. Yogic strength. I don’t need steroids – not yet anyway.

My main rival, The Terminator, has already called me a “pussy” – though that’s hardly an insult in this town. Should get me some work.

[Silence]

If this meatloaf from Mitteleuropa wants to save mankind from the robots, then he can start somewhere else. Since slavery was abolished, some of California’s best mock-Tudor mansions have robots. Silicon Valley is the home of robot technology! What’s The Terminator going to do, blow away all our best nerds with his massive machine guns?

[Cheering]

I’ve already hired some of my closest celebrities to advise me and join my campaign.

But it is for you, the commoner Californians, that I am running. It is your cause that I champion, your dollars that I tax, your children that I feel sorry for.

I know you’ve had enough of these Gray politicians!

[Applause]

I know you’re sick of being stiffed by the politicos, now you want your state back!

Well I am the anti-politics candidate! I’m as sick of politics as the next sicko. I loathe its public privileges, its red tape, its tiresome domination of our news media.

The people of this great state don’t want politics. They want to be entertained!

[Riot]

That’s right. What this state needs is more celebrity razzamatazz! More cha-cha-cha!

[Police arrive]

Where’s Rodney King? Just kidding, people! How about a round of applause for the fine men and women of the LAPD whose dedication to public service is second to none!

[Standing ovation]

OK. That’s enough. You know, to get serious for a moment, a reporter asked me the other day what my policies were. And d’you know what I told him? I said, Jim – his name was Jim – Jim, I said, you want to know what my policies are? Yes, he said, that’s why you invited me here to your penthouse suite, isn’t it? Hope, Jim, I said. That’s my policy. Hope. And faith. Hope and Faith.

[Shouts of ‘Amen’]

The good Lord willing, I will saturate this campaign with so much negative advertising that you, the voters, will just walk on into those voting booths like zombies and punch my hole.

See, politics is not so hard. This is a new millennium. I can save the environment and be in industry’s pocket. I can cut taxes and run a bloated bureaucracy. I can support the police and the surfer bums.

All I need is to keep the hope, and keep the faith. I hope that once I’m elected you won’t pay attention. And I have faith that you won’t.

You’ve been a great audience. I wish they all could be California girls. Thank you and good night.

[Room fills with balloons as I exit flanked by my bodyguards]