Many years ago, in the days when I still thought there was some hope for the world, I found myself walking through Londons Trafalgar Square in the small hours of the morning. I was gazing at the full moon, mumbling a few words of worship, when a crazy tramp grabbed me by the toggles and whispered some boozy advice into my ear.
Always share a fact, son, he said. The man who keeps a fact to himself will forever be alone.
I pushed him into the fountain and ran to the nearest police station, screaming.
Fortunately, I never saw that ragamuffin again. But as the years laboured on, I thought hard about what he had said well, croaked and, using some sophisticated Microsoft software, I set about deconstructing his cardboard city logic.
It turns out that drunk hobo may have been on to something. Sharing facts can be a deeply cathartic experience. Hoarding them can result in severe indigestion.
The time has come for me to empty my mental trashcan of junk, and share some of my festering knowledge with you, my unfortunate readers.
That way, you get ten columns for the price of one, and I get to digest my food better.
1. 50% of Americans have not read a book since leaving High School
The other 50% never went to High School. As youd expect, this information has become a major weapon in the anti-American army. The Paris Metro is running a poster campaign with this and similar facts emblazoned across a star-spangled banner and a picture of President Bush with his finger lodged in his ear.
2. 99.4% of French citizens think Charles Baudelaire is more interesting than David Beckham
Are you kidding me? American news networks love this fact, even though 96% of Americans have no idea who David Beckham is. Here is evidence that the French are effeminate escargot-munching poetry-lovers, in total contrast to folksy apple pie-loving American sports jocks. Strangely though, 61% of Britons agreed with the statement David Beckham is a poet. So where does that leave us?
3. 78% of Iraqis think the United States invaded Iraq to help introduce sharia law
Someone slipped up big time in the White House PR department.
4. 81% of European Union citizens have never heard of Romano Prodi
Nevertheless, 92% disapprove of his decisions as President of the European Commission. This is no possible! Prodi yelped over a lobster lunch, throwing shell all over the chic restaurant. This is conspiracy, made by Berlusconi and his billions. I is leader of Europe, and who is he, some slimy cosa nostra. He said something else, but I was too busy ordering another bottle of Veuve Clicquot to listen. The bill for our elaborate, but necessary, lunch was sent to the EU taxpayers.
5. Communism completely failed
Yes, its true! In social, moral and economic terms, communism stank. But only in practice! bark its scruffy defenders. The theory is perfect. Its the real world, and the people in it, that lack the necessary sophistication. Communism is still fêted in a few unimportant corners of the globe Cuba, China, much of Western Europe and most social science departments in American universities but thats because...
6. 86% of intellectuals have never tasted Coca-Cola
The vast majority of penseurs are too busy attacking the symbol of capitalist imperialism to enjoy Coke, the sweet delicious soft drink with vegetable extracts and a healthy smack of caffeine. It begs the question: should intellectuals be allowed to knock what they dont know or is it their duty to be horribly out of touch?
7. Spam is bad for your health
Just as my mother used to say. Only this time, the Spam is electronic. Thats right: just opening your inbox these days can bring on any number of ailments. Depression, Heart failure, Radiation sickness all have been linked to email. To avoid death, shut down your computer, and run for your lives.
8. Laughing makes you wrinkly
It is clinically-proven, in Laboratoires Garniers, that rabbits and mice who indulge in excessive laughter and read humorous columns, have more wrinkles than rabbits and mice who are prone to prolonged episodes of dourness, and who read Russian literature. Want to declare war on wrinkles? Then stop laughing, and log-off now!
9. There is more to fear than fear itself
Are you still reading this column? Clearly you are not taking my advice seriously. How about if I tell you Im a gypsy, and all who read fact number 10 will be subjected to a curse more horrible than Spam?
10. The usable body parts of an adult human have a market value of $46,000,000
Boy, youve got some kind of nerve! Still, seeing as how you insist on reading to the end of my columns, let me tell you how rich you could be if youd just pull yourself apart. As Ive always said, for $46,000,000, a man will do practically anything, and anything practical. I saw a gorgeous scarlet Ferrari the other day that will set me back a couple of organs. Any takers?
