A poisoned pickle

Office of the Chancellor
Berlin
5 September 2002

Dear Herr President Dubya,

Howdy!

What is up partner? How is things so cool in America? I hope good. (I have been having your lessons in Texan. I am in progress, yes?)

My wives and I have just received the pleasure from your Ambassador Coats. He turned over for coffee and Schwarzwälderkirschtorte. He speaks much of your feelings towards Iraq and myself. He uses many swear words, no?

I am busy hard on the campaigning for my newest election. I am very much looking backward to be elected. I think you know all about elections and how unreal they can be. I am very sleeping.

But, oh, I am so sad as I do not know much about what happens in our world. My aide Horst says you are doing very good at swindling your Congress (is that how you say?).

I await our working together again when I win in my election. Let us hope so!

Love to Colin,

Gerhard (Schröder. Chancellor, Deutschland)

P.S. Make cars, not war!

Office of the President of the United States
The White House
Washington D.C., USA
7 September 2002

Dear Chancellor Shredder,

I am sorry to say that the President cannot come to the typewriter just now. He intends to give your correspondence the fullest of attention, anytime in his nearest future.

I hope you understand that the President is a very busy President, and cannot devote his time to just one country – especially one with such inflexible labor laws. Yesterday he spent a full three hours on the blower to your friend and countryman Mr Stoiber. They were talking a lot about you, and placing bets about what you will do after the election.

Yours,

Dolores Twinset

37th Secretary to the President

P.S. Wie komme ich am besten zum bahnhof?

The Office of the Chancellory Campaign Bus
Wolfenbüttel, Germany
13 September 2002

Dear Mr President,

Tschüss!

How is your imperialist war plans going? Me, I am electing day and night. I am looking like Bismarck. That is the German way.

I wonder if you have time yet to read my last letter in Texan? I remain hoping that it tickles your fancy, and delivers your goodest wishes for my election. We are still friendship, no?

Yours hopefully,

Gerhard S.

P.S. Can you tell me please which way to the United Nations!

Office of the President of the United States
The White House
Washington D.C., USA
15 September 2002

Communication received. With compliments.

Yours,

Ethel Toothpick

42nd Secretary to the President (intern)

Office of the Chancellory
Berlin, Germany
20 September 2002

Dear Mr President,

First, I wish to extend my deepest apologising for the alleged mouth of my woman German justice minister. Her supposed compare of you and ‘Adolf Nazi’ was an axis of evil. She has an extremely big mouth and I intend to put eine socke in it.

Let me assure you, illustrious one, that Frau Herta Double–Crossing–Gremlin and her too big mush does not speak for the German people. That is my job. My country loves your country, thanking your old man for crushing Berlin, and also not thinking that you are criminal Hitler. I want to let you know how much Germany does not think that you should rot in jail for alleged insider trading, like your Enron friends, or that your big country has a ‘lousy legal system’, like on LA Law.

Frau What–is–her–name? will be relinquished of her sacking immediately. There is no place to lie on my cabinet table for a woman like that. I hope I never see her again.

When assessing your country, I pay no personal attention to you. I love America.

With warmest regardings,

Chancellor Gerhard Schröder of Germany

P.S. So so sorry. Does Laura like bockwurst? Please find enclosed – friendship gift.

FAX from the White House Press Office
21 September 2002

Official statement from the White House:

The Chancellor of Germania and his illegal election campaign tactics have – officially – ‘poisoned’ the relationship between our great country and his.

We are outraged at the unhelpful opposition to our war shown by this country in Europe. The President has no comments on this wet peacenick Marxist and his Saddam–loving comrades.

The remarks of justice minister Herta Daimler–Chrysler were irresponsible, unwelcome, and sick. We call on Chancellor Shriver to send her immediately to the nearest Gulag.

Ari Fleischer

White House Press Spokesman

Office of the Chancellory (still)
Berlin, Germany
23 September 2002

Dear Mr Commander–in–Chief,

Still no word from your personal end. Are you ill? Can you not read?

Even if you are in bed with soups, you may have heard how our results are coming here in Germany. Perhaps someone is reading the papers for you? It was most close, and we all fought much hardy. Herr Stoiber said he has won. But in the ending, I won! With thanks to anti–Americanism, pacifism, and floodings, I obtained a working majority of the votes. That means I am leader and get to form the government (unlike where you are from, that is how things work here).

I understand how you concern about German economy. But I plan to swamp in a new Wirtschaftswunder, once I get the right economy policy! You can have trusts in me. I promise.

I am winner!

With lookings forward to working with you soon,

Chancellor

P.S. I am free to come to Washington at the drop of my lederhosen.

Office of the President of the United States
White House
Washington D.C., USA
3 October 2002

Dear President Johannes Rau of West Germany,

On this, your nation’s twelfth anniversary of reunifying, I extend my complications and warmest capitulationisms.

Germania and America are two countries. And in that capacity, both sovereigns have promoted their handshakes to each other for over six hundred years. I promote mine now.

My daddy created your nation, and ever since, Narnia has flourished as the combustion engine of Europe. We have been long–time partners, going steady, except when you became Nazis, responsible for the murder and life–loss of uncalculatable millions, and we crushed you. You are our favourite launching pad.

Good luck for the future,

President George W. Bush

P.S. Tell Gertie we’ll let him have this one.

Office of the Chancellory
Berlin, Germany
4 October 2002

Dear Mr President Bush II,

We are delighted here in Germany for our twelve–year geburtstag.

Your kindest letter to our (ceremonial) President Rau was loved by our nation. We look forward to your arrival in Germany with an ‘Ich bin ein Berliner’ joke to be telling.

Thank you for your warmest support. I am now busy.

Chancellor Gerhard

P.S. Please find enclosed 1x Gurkenhobel.