openDemocracyUK: Opinion

An Unmarvellous Party: a #PartyGate poem

(with apologies to Noel Coward)

Elvis McGonagall
21 December 2021, 10.42am

I’ve not been to a marvellous party
I could not have disliked it much more
No one who’s no one was not there as well
Dear Allegra cried off – what a bore

If it happened at all, which it didn’t
It was totally socially distanced
A world well away from the hoi polloi
And their ghastly reek of subsistence

There were no balloons! Can you imagine?
The sine qua non for a party to swing
This pseudo-shindig was so infra dig
A Christmas-business-drinkie-quiz-thing

What a swellegant party it wasn’t
It was oh so not terribly jolly
We did not swig El Vino Collapso
The wine that was not would be Bolly

There were no cheese and pineapple hedgehogs
Vol-au-vents? No – horribly comical
If one nibbles one nibbles Beluga
Canapes should be gastronomical  

Bozza was too busy to be Santa
He was stuffing your bird in his freezer
He was pulling the plug on your fairy lights
Shouting “Eat your heart out Ebenezer!”

Rishi burnt Bob Cratchitt’s last twenty quid
Jacob snapped Tiny Tim’s crutches in half
Not really – that’s just our little joke
Just a giggle, top bantz, what a laugh

Some Palestinian chap called Jesus
Was not refused entry by Priti
Dom did not dunk his baubles in eggnog
Such a shame, quel dommage, what a pity

Simply no one pulled lonely Matt’s cracker
Or snogged him underneath the mistletoe
Liz did not twist her truss in a tango
Totes hilarious! Not. Ho, ho, ho!

Frosty the Snowman did not pass the parcel
There was no devil’s dandruff for Govey
No hokey-cokey, no karaoke
No 'Livin’ on a Prayer' by Bon Jovi

We did not roast Nat King Cole’s chestnuts
There was no tinsel time hanky-panky
No fun at all – but did you see Sajid?
Well did you evah? What a Widow Twankey!

Now Mum’s the word to the vulgar herd
Let’s pretend not to snigger or guffaw
I’ve not been to a marvellous party
I could not have disliked it much more

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