Laughing off the war

You know I can’t live without my radio

“Don’t listen to the orders of the dictator, don’t shoot those who came to liberate you. Look forward to a bright and happy future in Iraq.”

It may sound like the slogan of an Orwellian tourist board, or a Dubya speech, but in fact, this is the new sound of the Iraqi airwaves.

Thanks to a new radio station called Sawt al-Tahrir al-Iraq (Voice of Iraqi Liberation), those Iraqis hoping to hear some soulful tunes in the days before the start of another war are instead greeted with the anonymous voice of US psyops (psychological operations).

The station has been picked up by Mika Makelainen, a Finnish radio enthusiast, and reported in the New Scientist. It broadcasts twice a day at 06.30 and 18.30 GMT and can be found at 1206 and 4025 kHz.

Makelainen and his Egyptian pal Tarek Zeidan have traced the station to its broadcasting base in Sulaimaniya, in northern Iraq.

This is Patriotic Union of Kurdistan country. The Voice of Iraqi Liberation show starts right after the Voice of the People of Kurdistan show.

“The oil wells and government installations belong only to the Iraqi people, and any deliberate damage to these sites will be considered as a capital crime. The next regime and government in Iraq will put on trial all those who participate in the execution of those orders as war criminals,” runs one jingle.

A working-class hero is something to be

But in the Arab world, they rock to a different tune.

“Leave Iraq in peace, you inspected him; it has no arms of mass destruction but they are still bombing it. Go inspect Israel instead, there’s a lot of arms of mass destruction there.”

So run the words of Egyptian folksinger Shaaben Abdel Rahim’s hit song Don’t Hit Iraq.

Ignored by state-run media, the song has received massive air play on private TV and radio stations, and pirated CDs and cassettes are doing brisk trade.

Rahim’s previous hits include I hate Israel and love Amr Moussa.

And he’s no lover of Saddam. The song blames the Iraqi dictator for the 2001 Gulf war.

“We warned him, if only he would listen,” the song goes.

Boy, you said it Shaaben.

Having a laugh

Meanwhile, in Saddam-friendly France, the Prez might not be as in touch with his people as he thinks.

With his approval ratings soaring over 85%, Jacques Chirac is walking with a certain swagger these days.

This week, for example, as cool as a cucumber, he described his promise to veto a US resolution for war as “not an exceptional phenomenon”. “It’s in the nature of things,” he said, casually brushing aside a journalist’s question about possible American retribution for Gallic disloyalty, with “I know the Americans too well to imagine they could use such methods.”

But are the French citizens quite so confident?

Last week’s Diary reported the notable fall in consumer confidence in the Fifth Republic. And this week, BBC Online published an article under the title ‘French laugh away their troubles’.

Apparently, the average French flaneur is so full of neurotic anxiety that he or she has taken to frequenting clubs de rire. For once, these clubs do not involve topless dancers and red feather bowers. Instead, they are sanctuaries for the down-in-mouth. For a mere three euros, a punter is taught how to forget his or her troubles through the use of laughter.

The BBC judges that “The gloomy state of the world today is proving a powerful recruiting agent.”

“The world is not very happy,” said Jocelyne Le Moan, a club-owner, before embarking on a ‘Lion Laugh’, and then participating in a ‘Chuckle Contest’.

The clubs are the brainchild of some un-named ‘Indian guru’ who believes in the spiritual power of laughter.

“There is something around here which is not very pleasant, so this kind of therapy is very good for that,” one of the participants said, alluding to the prospect of war and the threat of terrorism.

Regular laugher Anne Maurigiano agreed: “When you feel more confident of yourself, you can embrace better the fear that comes to you, and laughing is actually a way to feel more confident, so the more you laugh, the more you feel more calm and relaxed with your body and mind, so maybe you can be more open and be not scared.”

Get your mouth round that.

Mars and Venus

Still, European efforts to undermine the United States show no signs of relenting.

This week, the EU has opened its first diplomatic office in Cuba.

The Havana office will have a permanent representative and three local staff.

As the BBC reminds us, the EU is Cuba’s biggest trading partner, and each year, almost two million Europeans holiday there.

The back-slapping comes in the wake of Fidel Castro’s calling the US senior diplomat a “bully”, threatening to close down the office charged with overseeing US interests.

Don’t drink the water, but try the stout

To Africa, where Hollywood influence combines with shameless product placement.

The Economist reports on the new pan-African blockbuster Critical Assignment, starring super-hunk Michael Power.

The plot? A corrupt politician is diverting public money from water projects to buy weapons from a European arms dealer. Millions of ordinary citizens are deprived of clean water. Power kicks some ass.

“What better quest for an African hero than to fight corruption?” asks the Economist.

Good point – but there’s a twist. The article is sub-headed “Africa’s answer to James Bond is a feature-length booze commercial”. The film’s action sequences don’t come cheap. On this occasion, the bill has been picked up by multinational brewing giant Guinness.

Cue major product placement, still a rare phenomenon in African cinema.

“Guinness’s Africa is a bit sanitised,” the Economist judges. The action is played out in a fictional country, in fact a cut and paste of the prettier parts of Nigeria, South Africa, and others.

The paper laments the lack of “garbage-choked gutters and child beggars” in the scenes filmed in Lagos.

And it’s no different in Hollywood. As the New Yorker points out this week, Tears of the Sun, the new Bruce Willis film, celebrates the virtues of the American military in conflict-ridden Africa.

In this case, the “stunningly beautiful” Nigerian landscape is in fact Hawaii.

Asylum swimmers

And finally, to the world of women’s underwater hockey.

Yes the sport actually exists. Yes it aims for Olympic recognition. Yes it was used last July as a cover for smuggling a ‘team’ of twelve Moldovan women into Canada, hoping to begin a new life in the affluent West.

First, the rules: two teams of six players, armed with flippers, goggles and snorkels, battle it out underwater, knocking a puck around the bottom of a swimming pool with mini hockey sticks.

Not perhaps the greatest spectator sport, but finally getting press recognition this last month after the Moscow Times picked up on the story that broke on Canadian television.

In short, the Moldovan team were a no-show at the bi-annual world championships in Calgary last year. The Moldovan national anthem played, the Moldovan flag flew, but the team failed to emerge from the dressing rooms.

The Moscow Times reports that “internationally accredited Moldovan sports officials are outraged at the scandal.” “There’s no such team,” says Nikolai Zhuravsky, president of the Moldovan Olympic Committee.

CBC broadcast an interview with “Deep Trout” an anonymous source wearing a diver’s mask. She admitted that the women couldn’t play underwater hockey to save their lives. Some couldn’t even swim.

But, as the Times points out, this was not the first time the game of underwater hockey was so abused by the Moldovans. In the 2000 world championships in Hobart, Australia, the Moldovan men’s team put in a couple of dismal performances, getting trounced 30-0 by Colombia, and 23-0 by Argentina. Margaret Francis, chair of the championship, said “They didn’t know how to swim.” After being lifted out of the water, all the players applied for and received asylum in Australia.

The scam involves a trip to Egypt for ‘training’. Each woman paid $1,200 to get into the squad. They have filed for refugee status.

(Look out for openDemocracy’s forthcoming Migration debate. Also see Caroline Moorehead’s Voices from Exile)

Quotes of the week

“We should vigorously fight separatists, terrorists and cult organisers for the sake of national security.”
Han Zhubin, China’s top prosecutor, announcing plans to crack down harder on opponents of the ruling Communist Party to the National People’s Congress.

“When it comes to our security, we really don’t need anyone’s permission.”
President Bush making his case for attacking Iraq without UN authorisation.

“These are the enemies of God; they will burn in hell.”
Salim Boukari, one of four Algerian men convicted this week of planning to blow up a Christmas market in Strasbourg two years ago. The comment was made a few weeks before the planned attack and was heard on a videotape the men had made of the market, played to the court.

“No matter what the circumstances, we will vote ‘no’.”
President Jacques Chirac of France on a new UN resolution authorising the use of force against Iraq.

“There is room for diplomacy here. Not much room and not much time.”
White House spokesman Ari Fleischer

“The number of countries involved will be in the double digits ... Some of them would prefer not to be named now, but they will be known with pride in due time.”
Paul Wolfowitz, US deputy secretary of defense, refusing to name the members of the “formidable coalition” he claims will attack Iraq.

“Sometimes to get a simple yes or no takes quite a lot of doing.”
UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan refusing to give up the possibility of a peace deal for Cyprus.

“If we can capitalise on something that did or did not happen in 1947 then it can help the entire state.”
Dan Foley, a US Congressman from Roswell, New Mexico, putting forward a bill to designate an annual “Extra-Terrestrial Culture Day”. Somewhat vaguely, the legislation aims to “enhance relationships among all the citizens of the cosmos, known and unknown.”

Contact the Diary Editor: Dominic Hilton