Thanks to an unparalleled wizardry with window locks, last night I came into possession of a highly confidential document detailing the plans for a post-Saddam Iraq.
Now, under threat from my editor, I have chosen to share it with you, my reader.
The contents of this document are staggering: conflict in Iraq is the first test of a secret repackaging of the United States brand.
Thats right, unbeknownst to most bedroom-confined conspiracy theorists, on the advice of Madison Avenue parvenus, the United States (now officially known as The Worlds Loneliest Superpower) has re-branded itself on the model of Zapem Exterminators, Washington, a small pest control business run out of Georgetown.
This news might sound weird at first, but thats because it is.
If you think about it, which might be the worst decision you ever make, its really quite logical. The new, improved United States now has the capacity to transform the way we ignore legal sovereignty.
Think of the world as a car. Sometimes, parts of that car break down. What the car needs is a service. Perhaps its oil needs to be checked. Or maybe its water supply is playing up. It might be steering hazardously off course, or maybe you just dont like it.
So, the question is: when the engine of diplomacy breaks down, who you gonna call?
This is how the White House puts it:
The United States of America any job, any time
For years, the United States of America has been the market leader in global affairs.
But now, the USA is changing both itself, and you.
USA Inc. is proud to announce the introduction of its Full Spectrum Package.
Whatever the problem. Wherever the problem. Trust USA Inc. to fix it.
The Full Spectrum Package might include:
- pre-emptive strikes
- regime change
- liberation
- democratisation
- strategic influence
- unlimited business opportunities
- any combination of the above
In fact, USA Inc. is even willing to create the problem before fixing it.
The full service includes sponsoring coups, propping up dictators, selling them chemical and biological agents, and then going in to clean up the mess.
No job is too big for us! (Subject to strict terms and conditions such as the ability of the enemy to strike back)
* * *
Of course, while the Full Spectrum Package is primarily the Pentagons baby, much of the rebuilding and plundering of the liberated enemy will be subcontracted.
The document I possess or, more to the point, the document that possesses me includes bids for these contracts from various interested (and positively panting) parties.
Heres a taste (all documents relate to the Bush Enterprises Iraqi International Bonanza, held in Washington last week):
VicePrez Inc fuelling those suspicions
When business interests are at stake, you can always rely on the respected name of VicePrez Inc.
Since time began under President Nixon, VicePrez Inc. has been at the forefront of oil exploration and political exploitation.
Just hear what these great names have to say about us:
If youve got a mess to clean up, VicePrez Inc. will help you avoid it.
Former VicePrez Inc. chairman, US Vice President Dick Cheesy
Got an oil-well fire, toxic leak, or chemical spillage? You can bet VicePrez Inc. is involved.
Texas Environmental Protection Agency
Thats right: no one has a bigger interest in environmental disasters!
And what bigger environmental disaster than the 2000 Presidentials?
We urge the Vice President to do what he knows is right in his heart by-pass: award the energy contract to VicePrez Inc.
Together, were dirtier.
Elp (US) Oil slicker than the rest
In current French litigation circles, one word has been on everybodys lips: Elp.
As Frances most successful provider of political bribes, Elp Oil is expanding its production.
In an effort to disassociate itself with the losing side (France), Elp plans to free itself from the shackles of state control and relocate to the US, via Baghdad.
Soon, the words on everyones lips will be Elp US.
By giving us a taste of Iraqi oil, you can Elp US patch-up the damaged relations between Paris and Washington!
By letting us pump, you will reawaken your long-hidden multilateral instincts.
By letting La France in on the act, you might be popular again.
Elp were nothing if not crude.
Riyadh Holding Corps putting the q back in Iraq
In the post-Saddam era, there will be no more experienced vulture than the Riyadh Holding Corps (RHC) in Saudi Arabia.
With its vast experience in the competitive field of democracy-avoidance, the RHC is uniquely placed to benefit from the bombing of its beloved neighbour (Iraq).
In fact, for many years, in partnership with the Nasdaq-listed CIA, the RHC has been at the centre of efforts to change the regime of another of its regional brethren: Iran. Working underground in the worlds cleanest dungeons, millions of foreign tool-hands have been slaving away day and night, welding signs that read Iran: Great Again! and sewing T-shirts with the timeless slogan My friend went to Iran, and all I got was Mullahed!
As luck would have it, the nations of Iran and Iraq are distinguishable in English translation only by a single letter. By replacing the n for a q, all signs and T-shirts can be swiftly, and cheaply, altered.
Billions of petrodollars can be saved!
United Nations spreading the blues
The United Nations (UN) hereby submits its bid to the administration of George Walker Bush, the 43rd president of the United States, to involve itself, if you please, in the protectorate of Iraq, following the unilateral dismantling of the regime of President Saddam Hussein.
The UN offers a wide range of services, including flying lots of blue flags, building itself blue buildings, and generally making the world bluer.
Experience includes over fifty years of non-action and quarrelsome debate, as well as the prolific issuing of empty resolutions.
Go on, give us another chance.
