Last week I spoke to a friend of mine who heads a global media empire.
Sars is the new Iraq, he told me. Gulf War II ended so quickly we thought wed be left standing with our Dictaphones in the wind. People expect me to make the world interesting twenty-four hours a day. Thank God for Sars!
His words, unlike his news programmes, got me thinking.
The month of March through April 2003 was an interesting one for the world, and not just because I had my tonsils out. From Malibu to Ulaanbaatar, Mekka to Fakfak, Bir-Mogrein to Wagga Wagga, humanitys attention was focused on a single event: the (ongoing) theocratisation of Iraq.
Everywhere you turned, otherwise docile people were engaged in vicious bickering about the pros and cons of war, the goods and bads of American power, the ups and downs of JLos G-string.
Youd be forgiven for thinking nothing else was happening in the world.
However, outside of Saddams police state, away from Rumsfelds Washington, and below JLos dressing room, there were goings-on aplenty.
The war in Iraq, entertaining as it was, left much of the planet neglected by the media. A recent poll showed that 82% of people in the developed world have forgotten that Africa exists.
Now, in yet another exclusive, this column will equip you to eschew tedious discussions about Empire, disregard lugubrious deliberations about humanitarian aid, and spurn splenetic fretting about looted artefacts.
Empowered with a new arsenal of knowledge, you can dazzle your friends with the global reach of your conversation. With an unmatchable display of originality, you will skip playfully between subjects as diverse as Mongolian mud-huts, Nigerian polling booths, and Latvian tourism (to take three hypothetical examples).
In the immortal words of the great Bill Clinton, I am now going to fill you in and show you what youve been missing.
Here is a summary of recent key events that may have escaped your attention.
1. Iran applies to join the EU
In a move unexpected anywhere outside of Paris, the Islamic Republic of Iran has formally delivered an application for EU membership. It is thought the one-time Middle Eastern state will replace the overtly-Atlanticist United Kingdom at the heart of Europe.
Said General Jacques ChIraq of France: I welcome Iran into the EU with open coffers. The United Blairdom has betrayed my continent and unduly harassed my three billion farmers. Conversely, Iran has shown true European credentials with its repeated calls of Death to America. I believe the Islamic Republic can play a central role in helping shape our Common Foreign and Security Policy.
However, there have been some sceptical voices. Celery Discard DIsgusting, the Madison of the European Convention, is one. Iran is not in Europe! he confirmed. Does no-one in this continent look at a map? Who will we let in next, Italy?
Meanwhile, an official spokesman in Pyongyang said North Korea is finalising its application.
2. An African country doesnt have a military coup
Against all expectation, the tiny West African state of Kokup forgot to have a military coup this last month.
Meanwhile, in Hanging-Chad, an election monitored by Sukkie Jonnson, a sun-worshipping Swedish woman from the UN, won widespread praise for its failure to fix ten per cent of the ballot. Incumbent President Ray Bans nevertheless secured 100% of the votes cast. Bans, who was brought up feral after trading his three mothers for one goat, is thought to be loved by his people for his ability to start endless wars with Hanging-Chads neighbours, initiate famines at the drop of a crown, and refuse to admit there is such a thing as Aids, calling the disease a little snivel.
3. China covers up Tibet
Tibet, cause célèbre of the western yoga class, has been covered up by the Chinese authorities.
There is no such thing as Tibet. We have never seen or heard of it, said Hang Dem-All, Secretary for the Suppression of Tibet in Chinas ruling Communist Party.
Images taken by a Mongolian satellite show that a giant sheet of tarpaulin was dropped over Tibet on the night of 21 April.
China denies all knowledge of the event. It also denies all knowledge.
4. Australia inaugurates the worlds first kangaroo court
Not before time, the merry old land of Oz brought justice to thousands of kangaroos who claim that the country was theirs before boatloads of criminals arrived and started barbecuing.
Australia, best known for Crocodile Dundee and its tinny-swigging men in vests and corked hats, has long resisted the demands of its native kangaroos. But the fierce lobbying powers of Fair Dinkum, the kangaroo rights group, has changed all that. No worries, mate. Me yoot is in the dunny, said Ozzie Prime Minister Paul Hogan, using some strange Aboriginal dialect.
Skippy, the celebrity spokes-kangaroo for Fair Dinkum, explained how the worlds first kangaroo court could set an example for the world at large. Bring em on, sport! he said, using some strange Aboriginal dialect.
5. Oil is found in the belly of an Alaskan seal
In a discovery that had the White House wetting their khaki pants, a baby seal from the Arctic Ocean area of downtown Alaska was found to be storing a significant oil deposit in its guts.
Quite by chance, the seal, known by its nickname Cheney, was split in two by a tanker earlier this month. To the surprise of the US military, which claimed to be taking an innocent vacation in the region, Cheneys fat body spilt oil over the ships nuclear-fuelled propeller. Further excavation of the carcass uncovered a valuable reserve of black gold which gushed into the faces of the ecstatic hunters.
It was sheer fluke, said ships captain General Gay P. Jarrmaz. Wed never thought seriously about excavating for oil in the bellies of seals. Shows how short-sighted even Texans can be!
The Alaskan seal, previously written off as a worthless and disposable mass of blubber, is now the subject of an intense battle for control. It is thought the oil from one seal is enough to move Dubyas SUV from the front door to the gates of the White House.
The president addressed the nation in a live TV broadcast. We choose to find oil in the bellies of baby seals not because it is easy, but because it is the final frontier, he said.
