The world turned upside down

Just imagine for a moment that the good people on the streets of Goteborg and Genoa are on the inside, making policy, and the good people inside are the ones on the streets, lobbing chairs through the windows of organic health food stores.

A plausible scenario? What, not even in your imagination?

It would make an interesting news item, don’t you think?

“Good evening. There was more trouble today on the streets of Genoa, as protesters dressed in three-piece suits and armed with mobile phones went on the rampage against the organisers of the G800 world poverty eradicators. The protesters demanded a more unequal world and an increase in the power of corporations. We can now go live to our reporter Jon Heller at the scene. Good evening Jon.”

“Good evening Chuck.”

“Tell us, what’s the latest from the street?”

“Well Chuck, it is simply chaos here. As you can see, piles of organic onions and tomatoes are being burnt by the protesters. They simply refuse to back down against the calls for peace from the representatives of the global people’s assembly. Earlier today I spoke to many of the angry suits. They had different messages. But if there was one coherent thread, one idea that seems to link this eclectic bunch, it is fairness.”

“Jon, do you mean that they have fair demands?”

“No Chuck, more that they all think that the world is just too fair. What they seek is a world which is justly unfair. It is human nature to be unfair, they say, and they want the world to acknowledge that. I have with me here Hank Martin, who wants to be known as Mr. Sweatshop.”

“Good evening Jon.”

“Good evening. Er, Mr. Sweatshop, why do you feel the need to take to the streets?”

“Well Jon, we have no choice. The democratic process just works too well and we feel the only way to build monopolies and cartels is by force.”

“You think violence is necessary?”

“Well, we feel it is suitably undemocratic. But I must remind you that the violence is caused by only a handful of the protesters. Most of us just want a chance to divide and rule. We don’t want dialogue either. We just want our jobs back.”

“But don’t you think you are giving the world’s majority an opportunity to dismiss you?”

“No, not at all. Quite the opposite in fact. Our message can no longer be ignored.”

“And what message is that?”

“Well, that we hate equality, both economic and political. We think that the world would be a much better place if we were just given the chance to dictate the political and economic agendas through self-interest. I mean, it is all very well to talk of universal rights and the rights of labour, but we are asking: what about the rights of the elite? What about the exploiters? The creditors? The corporate bosses? Can we really just sit back and watch the political agenda sideline these people? We have no choice but to be here. Just because we wear suits doesn’t mean we should be excluded from the decision-making process.”

“And how did you organise the protests?”

“We didn’t. All that happened was that we met for a long weekend at an exclusive country club and discussed tactics over a rather fine six-course lunch. We wanted to spring a surprise and I think we did. In fact, even I am surprised by the turnout. It seems that people are more passionately undemocratic than I had given them credit for – excuse the pun. We are fed-up with watching this world work so perfectly. Voting is too popular. Publics are controlling the agenda and we don’t get to ignore their will anymore. The global labour force is too well paid and given an excess of job benefits. The environment is healing, collective munificence is out of control and welfare states overly protected. The public ownership of private services is increasing, corporations are subjected to an absurd level of democratic control and are made too accountable for their actions, and human rights dictate the terms of global trade.

“The ‘Green Guru’ is eradicating the last remaining sweatshops, while forcing us to use cheap, clean, safe and comfortable public transport, as he and his cohorts sit in that solar panelled building eating organic hummus purchased from that small family-run local fair-trade store behind me.” (The Flight of the Valkyries starts playing) “Oh hold on, I got a call. Hello? Dave, hi. Listen, I’m on TV at the moment. Let’s do lunch. What? Oh no, I hear there’s an old-fashioned place in Sicily that even lets you smoke. I’ll meet you there.”

“Back to you Chuck.”

“Er, thanks Jon. And what do the world’s leaders have to say about this?”

“Well, earlier today, José Bové, the popular President of the European Commission, had this to say:”

Bové appears in front of the microphones wearing a woolly hat.

“Mon amies. What we ’ave ’ere is un symbol of juste how far we ’ave come. I utterly deplore le violence. If they ’ave arguments et opinions, then they should voice them in l’arena democratique, in our perfectly proportional electoral systems, and our weekly referendums. I do not accept that we ’ave not dedicated any resources to le cause d’industrial farming. We have allowed choice. Citizens l’Europa are still free to choose fast junk food if they wish. We recently approved that a small McDonald’s, er, “restaurant’ (collective laughter) be opened in Lichtenstein, bringing the total number of outlets up to a reasonable five in Commune l’European.”

“Stark words then from the Commission President. Chuck.”

“Thanks Jon, we’ll hear more from you later. After the energy break, we will report from the United States where President Tim Robbins completes his electoral campaign by cycling into Florida. With a second term a near certainty, we ask: can the oil companies influence the political agenda away from wind power? See you then.”

Is this the future? Send your thoughts to The Green Guru, 1104 Villa Giudice Mondo, Genoa, Italia, Commune d’Europa.