The following is extracted from a report on possible war outcomes by the influential military strategist and commander of the average forces in the TV hit, Life inside my Barracks, Colonel Horatio Pounder.
How it came to be in my possession I couldnt possibly say, other than to mention that my neighbour has a profitable sideline in sifting through the rubbish collections of the security services.
The extracts are in two parts. The first considers three possible results of the war as a whole: win, draw, and near-miss. The second outlines the results of a computer programming exercise assessing the best ways to fight the war, and find your perfect lovematch.
I understand that the report is widely admired in the higher ranks of the army and government.
1. The Barber of Kabul
Victory. Sounds sweet doesnt it? (Roll it round your tongue one more time, and savour the flavour. Now, spit it out and polish those boots. What dyou think this is, a discussion forum?) With Gods grace, and a few billion dollars worth of laser-guided missiles, the evil-doers could be, in military terminology, whipped and creamed by the good guys, and we could all be home for Christmas, turkeys in the oven.
Unfortunately, and much to the chagrin of foreign correspondents, many of whom have started making insulting phone calls to my home, my assessment of the situation leads me to conclude that such a swift ass-kicking is unlikely.
Our intelligence on the ground tells us that the Taliban are notoriously stubborn, and have been known to insist that Nietzsche was wrong and that God is not only alive, but a very angry man. For the most expert analysis, look no further that my recent Top Secret war plan, Idle Thoughts on How to Win this Thing, out this month in paperback from Bloomsbury Press.
To keep the transition period nice and short, we must ensure a speedy resumption of the barber business in Kabul and neighbouring cities. Troops and civilians like nothing more after a good liberation than a reasonably priced shave and a haircut. Expect high demand. I suggest we send some people over from our side, professionals, no-one shoddy, and give them a really good trim, top notch, you know. I recommend my local barber Salvatori, who will give you a good once over for the price of a pound of snuff. Whats more, he is currently offering a special on perms.
2. The Draw
There is a good chance, especially if the weather intervenes against us, or God is in fact on their side (intelligence reports on this are not yet in) that the war could end up being drawn. Disastrous and dull as this sounds, in such an event there are certain plans that can be put into immediate operation:
- Shirt Swapping
After a tie has been declared, both sides swap shirts and shake hands in a gentlemanly fashion, before leaving the field, embracing and exchanging phone numbers.
- A Re-match.
The teams regroup and enjoy a few weeks of intense physiotherapy sessions, before meeting again in Arizona. This time, the allies get to wear the home strip.
- The Golden Goal.
The first side to score a strategic capture within half an hour is the winner. If none is forthcoming we can go to penalties (note: these are a Taliban speciality).
- Paper, Scissors, Stone.
A few rounds of this historic ceremony can be held at either Kabul stadium or the Palace de Versailles, whichever appeals the most. Intelligence reports suggest that President Bush and Defense Secretary Rumsfeld are both competent players of this game, often making policy by just such a method. It would point to a likely allied victory, but for the sake of diplomacy and fair play, I recommend a best of three, winner takes all.
3. The Near-Miss
This outcome, although entirely unlikely, must at least be considered. Vietnam was, of course, a historic near-miss of humiliating proportions. I recommend the employment of the following strategies:
a) Smiling at the Press. Show your teeth. Big grins win public support and confuse the press. When you are asked, How do you feel about losing the war, and skulking home with your tail between your legs, you feeble nancy? simply reply I (or It) feel (or feels) great. The results are dazzling. Act as though you are looking forward to your indictment or impeachment, and the public loves you (see the forthcoming memoirs of President Clinton, Impeaches and Cream, for tips).
b) Re-inventing History. A foolproof option. Hire a number of the hippest film-makers to direct your self-penned blockbusters about the Afghan War. Call them things like Rabble, Full-Bearded Racket, or Apackoflies Now! The aim is simple: to make the war cool and retro, therefore appealing to the trendy, detached and essentially anti-war (anti-anything) crowd.
We will need a good soundtrack (nothing too commercial), a smidgen of Samuel Barber, a photographer who has come close to losing his mind (snappers of carnage are always popular), and stacks of cigarettes behind the ears (perhaps even a few peace signs tattooed to the side of troops helmets). All this should be easy with a little financial assistance from the US congress.
It would be a real plus if during this war we can ensure all our troops are high on opium. Shouldnt be hard too enforce. A few breakdowns about how war is hell wouldnt go amiss either, and I am ready at a moments notice.
c) Twenty-Years of National Soul-Searching. Trade on this for at least the next twenty years by shouting, Oh no! Another Afghanistan! whenever you are forced to locate any land-mass on a map. Avoiding the issue by appearing obsessed with it is the sine qua non of political leadership.
Alternatives
These, of course, are the possible final outcomes. But what of the war itself? How should we fight it? What weapons should we use? And who wants to dress up as a woman and sneak over enemy lines? Here are a few wargames played on our supercomputer Osama (the name is an unfortunate coincidence) within the last few weeks. We typed in the data of the current campaign and the following is a snippet of the possible scenarios, sequences and outcomes it came up with.
1. Tic-Tac-Tony Blair
In this game, the allied forces challenge the entire al-Qaida network to compete in a giant Tic-Tac-Toe competition (or noughts and crosses whichever is easiest to translate), sponsored by Microsoft.
This brilliant if unprecedented stratagem results in a comprehensive victory for the allies, as the enemy becomes obsessed with winning an unwinnable game, allowing the UN to sneak in behind their backs and rebuild the country along the lines of a theme park. A giant statue of Tony Blair is erected in Mazar-e-Sharif under the slogan, Video killed the radio star.
2. Labyrinthine Exegesis
The outcome of this game was less clear, lost as it was in a fug of existential riddles. Essentially, the allies search for the al-Qaida cave-dwellers using the age-old method of Borgesian labyrinth theory (look it up). Unable to make head, tail or fur coat of it, both sides jack in the show and jump headfirst into the dry-cleaning business as partners.
Business is good, only the west tends to get a bigger cut of the profits, and they soon fall out again. The terrorists file a lawsuit, and a trial is held at The Hague where, controversially, tea and biscuits fail to get served, but hot Bovril starts every meal.
The case never gets past the first stages when the al-Qaida network, who insist on being cross-examined as a single homogenous group, cant fit into the witness box and anyway refuse to swear on the bible. A big row ensues, as the judges take several years to reach a verdict, spending most of their time in coffee shops reading Kafka and eating butterküchen, or vice-versa. At which point the computer malfunctioned.
3. The Art of Warbling
Based on an often overlooked strategy from the original hardback edition of Tsan-szus masterpiece, this game is a riot. In time-honoured tradition, the enemies line up opposite each other on an agreed field of battle (with Mel Gibson as front man) wearing full battle dresses. However, this time, instead of simply bludgeoning each other to pieces, they partake in a chorus of showtunes, high-kicking their way through a series of excruciating crowd-pleasers.
After a little time, both sides tire and dejectedly agree that nothing could be worse than another round of Andrew Lloyd Webber hits. The outcome is unclear, but Broadway and the West End benefit enormously by selling their shows as patriotic ceremonies, thus saving western economies. The Afghans come to terms with the logic of banning music.
4. Dunkin Kandahars
In this highly plausible scenario, the allies and the Northern Alliance chase the Taliban and al-Qaida into a tiny pocket in the south of the country. With nowhere left to run, and packed together like flies, the enemy is a densely populated target, able to be dealt with in one fell swoop. The US seizes the opportunity and sends in a B-52 bomber, carrying a weapon of mass calorie count. Once the target has been identified, and on the highest authority, the plane drops a giant donut ring onto the area, trapping the enemy in the middle. With the only solution being to eat their way out, the enemy surrenders, watchful of their arteries.
5. Sticky Wickets
Alternatively, the allies could challenge the Taliban to a game of cricket. When the computer came up with this scenario, we were all a little surprised, particularly as most of the world wouldnt know a googly from a yorker. Nevertheless, an alliance of England, Australia, and India should have little trouble against the bowlers and batsmen of the Afghanistan test squad.
Not only that but our fast-bowlers would be able to throw devastating daisy-cutters, uprooting the batsmans stumps before you could say And I thought bodylining was going too far! The only fear is Pakistan, a volatile country with shifting and ambiguous allegiances, and a set of spinners thatll have you swiping the air like an ill-sighted fly-swatter. If they choose to side with the Taliban, then it may all depend on the English bottom order, in which case we might as well all pack up and go home.
