What better way to end this eventful year in the Roman calendar than with a bit of innocent Christmas cheer? Well, one option would be to make a list of this years top 10 most influential CEOs, and that, folks, is what I have done.
So, in descending order, here is the definitive guide to our worlds most powerful individuals, the movers and shakers of the business elite. Some will be known to you, some may be new and delightfully unexpected. But either way, these are the men (and one woman) who are shaping the way we live in the 21st Century, developing and chewing markets, designing and stuttering new ways of communication, and pinching and poking their secretaries.
10. Steve Reeve (picture not supplied)
Reeve is the head honcho, hunter and hunchback of the innovative internet group eDIDIT. Four years old next spring, Reeve is a consummate leader of the new business generation, and his methods are being closely scrutinised by his mother and nineteen nannies. Reportedly worth $72 billion, he nevertheless worries deeply about his ability to pay his future college fees, and is known to sulk, and tease his sister.
A firm believer in the opportunities prevalent in a fluctuating market, Reeve put his money where his mouth was last year, although his mother snatched it from him and warned not to put dangerous fortunes near his mouth. His unexpected takeover of chief rival eWASEREAMINUTEAGO was one of the stories of the recently departed tax year. Some thought the little tyke wouldnt be able to handle the merger of two such different companies (the latter had been set in its ways for a whole two weeks), but he overcame the obstacles and turned the aged workforce over, removing all the under-eighteens and bringing in fresh diaper-wearing talent.
Expect big things from Reeve next year. The rugrat has plans to move into the systems operation market side of systems operation, and might well transform the way you thump the desk while waiting for something to download. He is already developing a new fully touch-based financial regulatory calculating programme that he says will forever change the way we dodge taxes. He claims that the operator will not even be required to interface with a computer, and that the wood and beads come in an easy to assemble package.
9. Monique Détente (too many pictures provided couldnt choose)
This glamorous French model-turned-actress-turned-benefit-collector-turned-businesswoman is head of the cosmetics giant Esprit de Myalgia and the chief inspiration behind Sharia law. Born to English parents some time last century, Détente was originally named Brenda Bogstore, but changed her name after a moment of inspiration as she sat in Scunthorpe benefit office.
Since then, Détente has become the inspiration for many women of the same gender to wear lots of make-up. Despite her wealth and global manipulation, she still has her feet on the ground. I never forget where I come from, the well-tucked little Partlet says in a chic Parisian accent. I try, but it just comes back to haunt me. Dressed in a Karl Lagerfeld suit he borrowed her dress she exudes a parfum of inorganic savoir vivre, a fragrance she then tries to sell you on the cheap.
She plans on being the first into Kabul, (metaphysically speaking), where her knowledge of Pashtun should help her corner the market in womens face creams and industrial strength eyeliner. And she has her beady but well-lined eye on the emerging market of the Kalahari bushmen you mustnt view anything through the prejudice of tradition.
And what about men? They cant escape, says the little minx. If I have my way, theyll be rehydrating their earlobes before you can say The triumph of post-feminism.
What prescience!
8. Sven Swindelsonn (too tall for a picture)
The chances are that, as you read this, Swindelsonn is either clasped in your hand, hidden in your handbag, or inhabiting your trouser pocket. Dont be alarmed, Swindelsonn is not a master criminal or another one of those odious little perverts of the European tradition! Rather, he is the leading light in the mobile telecommunication business, responsible for over half of the worlds mobile phone market, and with his eye on the other half (preoccupations that leave him cross-eyed).
A giant of a man, Swindelsonn crushes everything under him with Gulliverian strides through the world of business. Last year he crushed his unprincipled rival Yapanoy Howchicowa by treading on the diminutive Japanese liquidator as he waited outside Swindelsonns award-winning minimalist office. This unfortunate incident (death, not award) was laughed off by the ever-jovial Swindelsonn, who avoided the time-consuming hassle of prosecution (his PA is now serving a life-sentence for the murder).
A Swede by birth, he now lives in Helsinki (The capital of good herring) and is a reluctant fortune-maker. Money never meant anything to me. Its the thrill of being rich that I love, he says, leaving me to pick up the cheque for dinner.
He must be head-over-heels. At the last count Swindelsonn was the richest Scandinavian on the planet, and, indeed, Scandinavia. But he is unimpressed. They screw you with taxes, he says of Finland and Sweden. There arent any rich Scandinavians. It was this dilemma that inspired him to buy off the governments of the two countries with free calls after 10pm.
But Swindelsonns genius lies not in his bribery of public officials. More, it is his ability to straddle that most ball-breaking of divides: cool and mass-market. His success lies in his design and continuous re-invention of ring-tones that drive people insane. His phones are the ultimate in street-fashion as well as the first choice of businessmen, civil servants and bible salesmen.
Take his new line: handpieces shaped like Buddhist statues. You see, he says by way of explanation, the user will be making a political statement but also infra-red linking to other microbes, faxing pictures of themselves to their boss or lawyer, and surfing the web. What more could anyone want from life? With that kind of vision, who can bet against him leaving his footprint on us all?
7. Prince al-Off Said bin Away-a-Wail (picture banned by the CIA)
Born a poor street urchin in the palaces of his father, al-Off Said bin Away-a-Wail had the early setback of being nurtured by eight hundred and fifty six different mothers. But his fortunes short-changed, and with his fathers beheading, he inherited $28 billion. Through guile, enterprise, initiative, and inspired reading of global markets, he soon whittled this down to a food-and-clothing allowance of $38 a week.
Briefly taking up arms against the Western world in anger at their imperialist policies forcing him to become addicted to casinos and hareems, he had the good luck to befriend Ocanna u-Shutup, the wise and spoilt head of the al-Pinochle network, who agreed to lend bin Away-a-Wail $4 billion in return for the occasional use of his beard.
The Prince took his chance and immediately invested in some Holy property which he constructed in a fortnight with the help of OShoddy Irish Building Contractors. Soon, pilgrims began to flock from all over the Floridian peninsula, and his $4 billion turned into $400 trillion (give or take a few cents).
He now has stakes in hundreds of well-known restaurants and tends to like them well-done. If it wasnt for al-Off Said bin Away-a-Wail, companies with household names would undoubtedly have gone to his dogs. He is a big buyer of crumbling stocks, particularly meat or fish, and his interests range from his own chest hair to the occassional ski-jump.
He now resides aboard his cruise-liner Rover, and watches the markets move up and down in his honeymoon suite. Beware, companies in hard times, The Prince has a nasty bite!
6. Bill Pleese and Thorne Bush (no picture they are prohibited from being in the same place at the same time)
When these two joined forces, the world shook as Titans embraced. Pleese and Bush are, of course, joint heads of media empire ASOL Dime Pawner. Together they are responsible for ninety per cent of an average persons entertainment (fifteen per cent of a non-average person). The merger of their two companies Dime Store USA and Pawn Stores Downtown means they now control ISPs, SIPs, IPSs, PISs, cable, satellite, wire, lead, rope, string, magazines, paper, trees, mud, worms, woodlice and your arteries. You also watch their movies, go to their cinemas, rent their videos and attend their thanksgiving dinners.
An unrivaled carve-up of world culture has inspired them to build a series of theme parks across the globe, all celebrating their own imagination and haircuts. It has also brought them an hourly pay-packet of $2billion, which by the end of the working day can be a bugger to carry home. They do not believe in meetings, at least not ones they are expected to attend. They tend to get their message across to their global workforce using the old-fashioned method of barking in earholes. It works for us, they say on two separate phone lines, why change a winning feudalism?
Pleese and Bush are set to make more waves this next year when one of them retires. It is not yet clear which one, but each of them seem to have a pretty good idea. The retirement cuckoo clock is expected to be pretty special. Something designed on the principle of Big Ben, Bush says, winking. Although maybe digital, with an alarm, and a neon face, and probably web-friendly, and interchangeable with your gearbox, and fits neatly into your packed-lunch box, and
But the new era will bring new reward. I see the end of books, says Pleese, smiling and rubbing his hands together. They are standing on the edge of a crumbling cliff anyway. They just need a push. Popular entertainment is the new reading, it seems. And that means we can look forward to more Dime Pawner recording artists like Gritye Teeth and her record-breaking sound. Who knows, one more hit like this years surprise remix of Trixie Smiths classic You gotta beat me to keep me, and the post-feminist sensation Teeth might just land herself a job at ASOL HQ!
5. Jacob Marley (no picture as, oddly, his image didnt appear after developing)
It has not been a great year for Marley, but he has at least managed to use his haunting influence over international business to his benefit. After breaking free from the global empire of Scrooge and Marley, the latter has set himself up as a voice from the other side of the corporate world. His new company, Steel Purses, specialises in alternative methods of financing. For starters, it urges customers to stop saving up their money for a rainy day, and turn it over with haste: spending, shopping, paying, rewarding, and liberally dishing it out.
This controversial, but refreshing approach to the world of finance, is perhaps a glimpse into the future of smart investment. Marley is the guru of what he terms goodwill capitalism, where once money is changing hands, everybody is merrier, warmer and therefore richer. The economy is healthy and buoyant and the smart businesses benefit at the expense of the heavy-footed, empty-headed, or tight-fisted. And Marley, a shrewd entrepreneur of the old-fashioned kind, has been slowly amassing profits from such ventures. Why, only last week, some gentleman was so scared he handed over the entire of his riches, he says, placing it in a cash box he keeps chained with hundreds of others around his middle. He wears his hair in a hippy-like pigtail as well as his infamous waistcoat, tights and tasseled boots. Yes, Im an eccentric, he says, taking the window instead of the elevator, but in this game youve got to get people to believe in you, or at least get sick of looking at your face. Thats where my airline does so well. We put the people first, and Ill do any gimmick for their sick amusement. Its business baby.
4. Luis Anguelera (picture stolen and burnt by anti-global protesters)
Anguelera, pin-up boy for the anti-anti-anti-anti-protest global capital movement (his words not mine), certainly has his enemies. But most of them are not in the boardroom where he now sleeps on the board table, afraid to go home. CEO of energy supplier Gonrong, Anguelera is an elusive figure. His earnings are reported to be in the region of $300 a second if he doesnt move, $250 if he does. It can cause problems, the friendly baron says, if I got a bill to pay, I dont move for a few hours, you know what I mean? He lets out an outrageous laugh and chokes on his cigar.
Angueleras history is unclear. Some say he is of aristocratic English stock, others a former guerilla-training drug lord from Colombia. Whats unchallenged is his title as the worlds leading dam builder, and he believes passionately that the world is suffering badly from a distinct lack of dams. We need dams! he insists. We need dams now! Dams! DAMS!
It is this kind of insistence that has brought him a galaxy of fully-armed mansions, as well as a reputation for ruthless unaccountable eco-destruction. This year, his definitive slogan Put that in your pipe and smoke it! became a court-challenged reality when a Gonrong pipe project in Bolivia went up in flames. Anguelera had bought off the public water supply and merged it with the Gonrong sewer system.
Charging the locals $5.00 a pint of water ($4.50 during Happy Hour) Anguelera quickly made an enviable profit which his shareholders roundly applauded (Anguelera owns a one hundred and ten per cent share of Gonrong stock, after some fast trading in exotic derivatives in the late 90s). But true to his word, after a few weeks of successful business, the pipe began to smoke, the sewage was declared undrinkable by the WHO, and lethal toxins fumed into the atmosphere.
Anguelera was compensated by the Bolivian government for the mishap, and now owns Bolivia which he says is the least of his interests. Watch out for more controversy next year when his plans to build a toll-road between the US and Cuba take hold.
3. Bob Cratchit (no picture available under licence)
Cratchit worked his way up from nothing into now one of the most influential company chairmen in his household. Originally an employee of the indomitable Ebeneezer Scrooge, Cratchit somehow managed to squeeze a raise out of his former boss, and he saved the pennies under a floorboard until one crisp winter morning when he went into the bank and set up business for himself.
He now owns the oil giant Cratchit Petroleum and is busy with plans to start drilling in Alaska. Cratchit reportedly has the ear of George Bush, who at some point is going to want it back. But its Cratchits heir Tiny Tim Cratchit who is fast getting a reputation for slick business dealing. This year alone, he has overseen more slicks than most of us have had poisoned fish dinners.
Cratchit once said, All ye who stand, stand on my property. This hard-nosed business attitude is a hang-over from his time at Scrooge and Marley where his nose froze due to the lack of heating. Scrooge taught me everything I know, he confesses. Sure, the guy was aggressive, but this is a winners market. I got no time for idle people. You think Im gonna make them merry? I got problems of my own. Now get out!
Expect a big year for Cratchit. I got a tip-off theres oil under the White House, he says. We plan to start drilling as soon as weve cleared out the Oval office. I got oil in the place, now I got oil under it as well! How about that?
2. Gordon Gekko (picture too gruesome to be published)
Gekko is now a veteran of high finance. His control and ownership of Gekko Inc has made him one of the most ruthless players in the competitive world of insider trading, not to mention racquetball. But nothing, not even the sight of him holding one of his three foot satellite phones, could have prepared the world for his decision last year to sink his teeth into the gene market.
Lunch is for wimps, Gekko tells me as he eyes my sandwich with envy, its a dog with fleas. I check the label, and hes right, I am eating a dog-with-fleas sandwich. I throw it away and ask him how he got into genes. Why? he asks, You think Ive put on weight? I change the subject.
Gekko Inc is now the biggest asset stripper of the human genome in business. Not all humans need their assets, he explains. Certainly not the lawyers. He has thus far made a cool $25 out of this human resource management, but expects the benefits to rapidly accrue. I plan on creating a new race of beings, he tells me casually over a glass of crushed ice. An invisible army of automatons who will strip anyone I tell them to. The human race is over. Soon there will only be Gekkos. Er, you think that sounds stupid? Im kind of worried about the name. What dya reckon? Dumb name?
The possibilities in this market are of course unlimited, and Gekko is a model business executive, still making headlines with his dodgy shirts and braces. Expect to see him hosting the Annual Tycoon Awards next year with Whoopi Goldberg and her brother Whoopsi. And if you fancy donating some DNA just send it to Gekko Inc, Wall Street NY.
1. Ebeneezer Scrooge (picture owned by Disney)
Still at no.1 is the dastardly miser, Ebeneezer Scrooge, who has taken Scrooge and Marley to new heights since he fire-balled his partner Jacob Marley. His biographer Charlie Dickenson famously described him as a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, and, more charitably, a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching, covetous old sinner!
His undecorative and well-iced counting-house is yet to thaw one degree when I stumble in through the front door, watching as he tots up his pinched pennies. His nose is pointed as a stalagmite, his cheeks shrivelled, his gait stiffened, his eyes red and his lips thin and blue. What do you want? he barks in a grating voice. I hand him his trophy, and he places it on his mantlepiece alongside his one hundred and fifty-eight others. Another one of these things, eh? he says shrewdly. He truly is the king of the corporate world, and biologically checks out as the father of global business.
Since Marleys departure, Scrooge brilliantly, stylishly and briskly streamlined the 500,000 workforce down to himself and Edna the tea-lady. Really, I still do the same job, he says over his packed lunch, its Edna who does the work of the 499,999 others. The figures speak for themselves: a company making seventeen guineas an annum in the 1990s has this year made a $65 trillion profit.
He has since moved into Marleys old chambers a modest and gloomy suite of rooms inhabiting the up-and-coming Lowering Pile Yard district of London. He has also gained a sort of popularity with the environmental movement, believing passionately in energy preservation. Light? Heat? Wasteful and expensive non-essentials! he growls.
I ask him whether he now sees his old partner as a rival. Marley? he says, getting the right person. Hes nothing but an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of an underdone potato. Oh yes, hes a rival alright! Are you kidding me?
Whats your secret? I ask the mentor to thousands of business school grads. Its euros, he assures me. I collect euros. And I cant deny it, the counting-house is swarming with them. Where did you get them all? I ask. Remember Mitterand? he says, cackling.
Much of this large wad must come from his monopolistic software company Mitegosoft and his globally consumed pseudo-hippy ice-cream product Bent and Jejunes. Combine this with his bookshop-levelling coffee-house chain Storebucks, and its easy to see why Scrooge retains his crown, as well as the three hairs scraped over it.
In their haste to write the CEOs obituary, some short-sighted fools have recently suggested that the old Scrooge has gone out of fashion, but with his usual flair, the grand old man of prudence dismisses it. Bah! Humbug! he says. Some things never change. One of them is business. The other is old Ebeneezer Scrooge. With which he chases me out of the counting-house with a ruler. I flee with terror and deep admiration for his innovative customer relationship management.
