0 mins: Both sides take to the pitch. The USA try to field a squad of forty-eight players, but the referee is having none of it. He demands that the USA cut down their forces to the universal standard of eleven players. A dispute breaks out as the USA coach refuses to accept the legitimacy of FIFA Rules of Play.
An embarrassing moment follows as the band strike up the EU supra-national anthem. The EU players, all wired up to lyric interpreters, have trouble keeping up as the Japanese band launch into a medley of Beethoven, Verdi, Elgar, Ravel and Boulez. No one is happy.
1 min: Finally, the game kicks off. The support in the stadium is lacklustre. A few chants of USA ring out, and are countered by a limp rendition of the Irish Eurovision Song Contest winner, Keep Dishing Out Those Structural Funds, Baby.
3 mins: The USA shooting begins, but is wildly off target. One shot misses the goal by sixty metres and connects with the nose of the Chinese ambassador in the crowd. The USA insist that it was an unplanned error.
8 mins: The EU are stroking the ball around well, as well as stroking each other on the back. The focus is on teamwork, but the language barriers prove a hurdle, and some players are accused of not pulling their weight.
15 mins: Despite whistles from the crowd, and a ceremonial burning of the US flag by some Ultras who are desperate to attain EU citizenship, it is the EU who seem to have adopted the maxim of former US Tactical Analyst Francis Effinvichy, The End of Stand-Off. The players adopt the age-old Kantian mode of perpetual midfield, and are knocking the ball around in a confident and casual manner.
21 mins: Danger in the EU penalty area as the referee accuses them of corruption and shows yellow cards to five of their players. The USA are awarded a free kick, and land it right on the referees posterior.
27 mins: The USA are still sticking to the tactic of nasty, brutish and short, and their challenges are flying in all over the place. However, their aggression does not hide an obvious nervousness about opponent attacks.
33 mins: With the USA playing as if the EU arent even there, the EU players surround the referee and insist he make the USA play within the rules of the game. The referee says it will take four years to process any punishment against the USA, and waves play on.
38 mins: The USA have said they have come to play an open, free game, but against all rhetoric they have closed down their defence and proved impenetrable. The EU is caught in two minds, and despite being awarded a free kick in a dangerous area, hit it straight into the giant USA wall. Should they respond in like fashion?
41 mins: Sloppy defending by the EU lets the USA through on goal. With an empty net, all eleven players bundle the ball home and stamp US authority on the game. The EU players once more whinge to the referee, this time claiming that the USA attack added up to nothing more than cultural imperialism. Sure enough, hundreds of EU fans, particularly the younger ones, swap their shirts for USA ones, and start waving the Stars and Stripes.
USA 1 0 EU
44 mins: With the EU at sixes and sevens, the USA threaten the goal again, this time crowding into the box and taking the weak EU goalkeeper out of the game.
45 mins: The referee blows the half-time whistle, bringing relief to the exhausted EU players. As they sprint into the dressing room, the USA players look pumped and ready for more action.
Half time: USA 1 0 EU
46 mins: The teams retake the field, and immediately from kick-off their contrasting styles are in evidence. The USA use their power and might to impose order on the game, while the EU continue with their peaceful approach of postmodern moral consciousness the miracle model increasingly copied by other squads.
53 mins: Question marks begin to arise about the unity of the EU squad. Their German captain is causing a problem and is hogging the ball, wanting to direct all play himself. Those out on the wings, such as the British, become agitated and start to play their own game.
59 mins: The USA defensive shield, still in its early stages of development, cannot stop missiles flying from the crowd. Two giant USA centre-halves are brought crashing down. Interpol are soon on the case and weed out some of the troublemakers, although most disappear into the shadows.
64 mins: Fired up, the USA go on the offensive. As the EUs poorly organised defence drop like flies around them, the USA rifle home. But the goal is disallowed by the referees assistant, who flags for holding, pushing, offside, handball and unilateral arrogance.
69 mins: The EU, continuing to launch no attacks, appear confused, if not puzzled by the USA approach. There is a clear lack of trust between the two teams. The EU players tut and look superior, and the USA resent their opponents unwillingness to stop being pansies.
72 mins: The EU attempt to make a substitution. But ancient labour laws dont allow it without a full-scale walkout by the footballers union. Tired, lazy and past their best, the EU starting eleven are forced to stay on the pitch, and fresh legs are denied their chance. The older EU fans cheer, fearful of using members of the expanded squad, and chanting their disapproval of the substitutes bench, which includes Polish farmers, Moldovan businessmen, and a mass of cheap labour.
78 mins: The crowd start to leave in droves, showing total disinterest. The EU look unenthused by the competition, preferring to build-up slowly and release soft shots towards the USA goal. There is some confusion when the British right-winger starts playing for the USA.
81 mins: The EU dont react when there is dissent in their own ranks as two teammates, the left-back and the left-winger, go at each others throats over who is covering what territory. The USA are forced to intervene and bring an end to the punch-up.
85 mins: The USA continue to look slicker and more competitive. The EU appear heavy-legged, weighed down by history, and burdened by a bureaucratic management of the centre circle. But the USA continue to dive in, studs showing.
89 mins: With the match petering out, the EU seem to be forming into distinct groupings on the pitch. In what is known as a three-tiered variable geometric formation, the French, Germans and Benelux players play at a different pace to the Italian, Spanish, British, Irish and Scandinavians. The Greeks and Portuguese join the substitutes for a water break, suffering from cramp.
90 mins: The referee blows for time. The USA punch the air, celebrating their superiority. The EU go to dinner, shrugging their shoulders and laughing at the Americans.
An inquiry is launched after the match and the USA goal is ruled out on a technicality. The USA refuse to accept the ruling.
Final Score in USA: USA 1 0 EU
Final Score in Rest of World: USA 0 0 EU
