Apathetic Turnout read one recent headline, following an election no one can remember. But what is behind, in front and to the side of this global phenomenon? Dominic Hilton talks to Kenny B. Furreal, head of the United Nations Agency for Apathy, Political Participation and Youth (UNAPPY).
Dominic Hilton: Mr Furreal
Kenny B. Furreal: Dr Furreal, actually. I completed my thesis last week.
DH: Congratulations!
KBF: Forty years in the making. No one wanted to talk about apathy. I myself had trouble getting motivated.
DH: I bet. So Doc, a recent UNAPPY report talked of apathy as being a new disease afoot in politics. A big afoot. With gangrene. Tell us more.
KBF: Apathy is the biggest political force of my lifetime. Bigger than Moonyism. Huge. An epidemic of not giving a damn.
DH: How can this epidemic be explained?
KBF: Think of it as a giant tidal wave. A tsunami of indifference hurtling towards a beach upon which the electorate are lying around, sunning themselves, lapping ice-cream, sucking cold ones, tossing ribs on the barbie. Millions of topless and spineless voters. Scary stuff.
DH: You said it. But is it really new?
KBF: Yes. Very. It may seem impossible to believe, but records show that when democracy first infested our autocratic feudal dictatorships, elections were considered exciting things. Citizens were said to dance and sing with joy when their polling cards came through the mail. Better than a gas bill! theyd cry. People thirsted for more and more democracy. They actually wanted to vote!
DH: Wow! Why?
KBF: No one really knows. For one thing, the politicians werent so slick. They looked terrible. Unspun. Amateurs. Totally unpractised at turning voters off. I tell you, these guys couldnt demobilise for toffee!
For a first-time voter, there was nothing more exciting than being summoned to a little booth, where, lead pencil in hand, theyd be forced to add an X next to the name of someone they had never heard of.
Look at the Greeks. Not now, but in ancient times. Give them a forum and theyd fill it. Those Homer-philes would turn up every day!
Of course, nowadays, in the words of the renowned psephologist, Dr Gerry Mander of Dakota Community Tech College for the Hard of Learning, democracy has totally lost its pazow!
DH: Do you see apathy as contagious?
KBF: No. It cant be seen. It just is. It gets everywhere. No one is immune. Even I have to admit to hiding under the bed covers this morning. My wife coerced me out with the promise of scrambled eggs. If it hadnt been for that added incentive, I might not be here now.
DH: But there have always been people who care little for politics, who dont vote. Didnt you see this coming?
KBF: I just told you, apathy cant be seen. Besides, we thought it had been eliminated. Years ago, in the 1980s, two political scientists, Dr Peter Owt and Professor Shirley Not, claimed to have successfully eradicated it. According to their lengthy and mind-numbing calculations, by the year 2000, rational electorates would be, and I quote, prime-incentivised for exercising their A1 electoral capacities in the field of voter-categorical environments. Voter turnout, they said, was subject to the law D=PpBC (B=[PaPb])(C=DiBf), providing it didnt rain on polling day. By their predictions, come the new millennium, turnout would be clocked at 100% (or more) in all democracies.
DH: So what happened?
KBF: Weve got them locked in padded cells.
DH: The voters?
KBF: No, the scientists. Regrettably, under new human-rights legislation, they are permitted occasional access to a ticker-tape machine.
The Not-Owt theory of voter behaviour is totally discredited. In 2002, in all known democracies, mental indolence is flourishing. In fact, the Harvard Professor I. Huntfore-Clewes offered conclusive proof of the spread of apathy in his now-celebrated study.
DH: How?
KBF: He didnt bother finishing it.
DH: Oh, right. So, with recent events in Serbia in mind, when is an election a non-election?
KBF: Well, in a highly plagiarised recent essay, Dr Gerry Mander suggested that elections just arent elections without electors. This is extremely difficult to argue with.
DH: Is there a threshold below which one cant go?
KBF: Were working on one. A recent local election in Florida got a 2.6% turnout, or something. Im not sure how we can go below that. But well try.
DH: How desperate is the situation?
KBF: What situation?
DH: The one were talking about.
KBF: Oh, incredibly. Politicians have to act, or stop acting, whichever is best. Government officials who dont want to find themselves on the unemployment lines, or serving in a totalitarian junta, would do well to confront the issue head-on.
DH: A vaccination?
KBF: As a last resort maybe. But there are other ways. Look at Saddam. He manages to get 100% turnout, and support, at his elections. Perhaps others can learn from him.
The first thing is to give politicians and governments some sense of worth. UNAPPY just issued a pamphlet called Election problems? Its nothing to be embarrassed about. It offers several universal panaceas against voter disinterest.
DH: Such as what?
KBF: Well, in many advanced democracies, such as Montenegro and Afghanistan, there has been talk about establishing Apathetic Political Parties to court non-voters. Its an intriguing possibility. In Afghanistan there are the beginnings of an Apathy Alliance. Their leader, whose name escapes me, told me, Its time we gave the voters what they want: nothing. If they are indifferent, we politicians must move with the times and become indifferent also. Take me, I dont give a *!*!. Im the perfect modern candidate.
Theyve been watching the West and taking note. My guess is that the future of democratic engagement lies with these men.
DH: You may be right!
KBF: I am right. The West is a dead duck. Paté. In a recent UNAPPY telephone poll of 1,900 voters, 1,500 didnt even answer the phone. An UNAPPY conference last month, Disenchanted Youth: Guerillas in Our Midst?, got only 29% attendance. OK, so there was some light drizzle. But this is important stuff. Politicians, academics, civil servants all no-shows. It was just us and the caterers. What a joke!
DH: But are there any positives?
KBF: Well, the dead seem to be voting more these days. Optimists will tell you that as democracy spreads its wings across the world, the percentage of global voter turnout is steadily increasing. But they are just being optimistic. The fact is that in established democracies, people give less and less of a crap about everything (Sodh U., The Systematic Rubbishing of Democracy, 2000, Harvard). Disinterest is everywhere. Apathy rules! I doubt if more than 15% of readers have read this far into the article.
DH: Really? Well, screw them then. Fancy going for coffee?
KBF: Not really. I cant be bothered to get up.
For more information on election problems contact the UNAPPY helpline. There is a 30% chance your call will be answered by someone who cares.
