A group of American and Canadian biologists is debating whether to recommend conducting stem cell experiments that would involve creating a humanmouse hybrid.
Is the world ready for a manmouse? New York Times 28.11.02
Gil: Are you a man or a mouse?
Hackenbush: You put a piece of cheese down there and youll find out.
A Day at the Races, 1937
The Press Conference
(Enter Dr Richard Rodent, Chief Biologist, Project Minnie. He is wearing a white lab coat and little round spectacles, as well, of course, as shoes and socks. He sports an obligatory pointy beard and is nibbling on a cheese sandwich.)
Dr Rodent: Good morning ladies and gentlemen and any other species combinations present today. Lets keep this brief can we?
Mr Pressman: Dr Rodent, sir. Do you think the world is ready for a manmouse?
Dr Rodent: Ive no idea. Perhaps. Whos ever really ready for a manmouse?
Mr Pressman: But since news of your experiments was leaked to the Journal of Bizarre Hybrids, the world as we know it has been caught in the grip of mass-media-fuelled hysteria
Dr Rodent: So whats new?
Mr Pressman: The public are panic buying. Stores have run out of cheese.
Dr Rodent: A cheese shortage? Oh my God! Were doomed!
Mr Pressman: The scientific community is in hiding.
Dr Rodent: Have you checked the labs? You guys never check the labs.
Mr Pressman: The White House is said to have moved to the highest state of no comment. Doctor, sir, doesnt all this manipulated hysteria suggest that the world is not ready for the manmouse?
Dr Rodent: Do I look like a pollster to you? What do you think Im wearing this white coat for? Fashion? Im a man of science. Its just unfortunate that science is not an exact science. Believe me, I never wanted to leak the story. You think I enjoy reading these MouseMan headlines? Theyre painful. Of Mice and Men. The MiceMan Cometh. I mean come on! I hoped to keep Project Minnie a secret. But no. They had to put the screws on me, didnt they? They had to force me to expose Minnie to the world. Science is no longer a gentlemans profession. Nowadays its nothing but publicity, publicity, publicity. God, its sickening.
Ms Journo: Precisely Doctor. Ordinary people are calling Project Minnie the sickest thing in science since that news last week about those sicko face transplants. Is your average normal middle-of-the-road law-abiding unscientific taxpayer who just wants to walk the streets without being attacked by a MouseMan right to be disgusted by you and your profession?
Dr Rodent: Sure, why not?
Mr Newsboy: Dr Rodent, most of us in this room used to sleep through science classes. But can you tell us morons exactly how this manmouse thing began?
Dr Rodent: Well, Ill try. Myself and a few friends were messing around with some stems one night, throwing unmarked cells into petri dishes and betting on what weird chimeras would emerge, when someone happened to mention how attractive Minnie Mouse is. Those long eyelashes. Those polka-dot dresses. Are you keeping up so far? So you know, one thing led to another, there were some mouse blastocysts lying around, nice-looking blastocysts, you know, a lot of pluripotential what ya gonna do?
Ms Journo: That sounds sick!
Dr Rodent: You had to be there, I guess.
Mr Anchorman: Doctor, can you tell us more about what MouseMan will look like?
Dr Rodent: No one knows for sure. The smart money says some kind of cross between Mickey and Hercule Poirot. Im guessing hell be a bit different from your average Joe. Youre not going to meet this guy on the subway, you know what I mean? Although you might see him scuttling around the tracks. There are various combinations possible.
Ms Tabloid: Freak combinations? How sick are we talking here? Real sick?
Dr Rodent: Well, I already mentioned Poirot Look, you saw Cats didnt you? No one thought that was sick not many people anyway alright lots of people. But the point is that millions of tone-deaf audiences across the globe lapped it up, like milk on a saucer. These people have nothing to fear from MouseMan so long as Lloyd-Webber keeps his distance. He could just be a regular mouse, but with a human brain what we call a rodendus einsteinus. He could be a human who really likes his cheese like José Bové, although with smaller whiskers. Or he could be a human in all sexual senses, but with a mouse anatomy what we call a homo ratboy.
Mr Shorthand: I beg your pardon?
Dr Rodent: In other words, a mouse with human sperm. Or a girl mouse with human eggs like a mousette. Exciting, huh? We could get whole colonies of these things growing around the world. We could rival Disney. Theme parks in California, Florida, Paris, Tokyo anywhere.
Ms Journo: So will MouseMan and Mousette reproduce? And if so, what will they reproduce?
Dr Rodent: Well, my colleagues and I hope to see the day when two happily married mice can settle down and start a family a human family.
Mr Newsboy: You mean a guy can grow up with mice as parents?
Dr Rodent: Pretty much. Well need bigger cages of course especially if it is a large litter. And giant traps in case things turned nasty.
Mr Anchorman: Theyd be kept in cages, with the mice?
Dr Rodent: You think Id separate a child from its parents? What kind of sicko do you take me for?
Mr Pressman: Excuse me, Doc. Now Im no expert, but arent there certain biological obstacles against a mouse giving birth to an eight-pound human? Im having trouble imagining here.
Dr Rodent: Well, like you say, youre no expert. Stick to what you know, pencil.
Ms Social: But what about the social implications? What are you doing to our otherwise healthy societies?
Dr Rodent: This is science lady. You know the arguments: we do it because we can; you cant stop human progress; did worry for society stop Oppenheimer? yada-yada-yada. Personally Ive just got a thing for mice. I cant help myself.
Ms Ethics: Er, hello? Are you saying you arent concerned about the ethical implications?
Dr Rodent: What ethical implications? I want my MouseMan! Thats all that matters here. Its not my problem youre so insecure you cant handle the idea of a mouse who scores higher than you in an arithmetic test. Some of us dont feel at all threatened by comparative chromosome sequencing. Besides, am I the only one thinking of the mouse here? Why should the mouse be denied the use of a human brain? You think Jerry would have gotten the better of Tom all those times if he thought like a real mouse? Hed have been digesting in Toms belly before you could say Lets sue Warner Bros. Now think people, think. Surely youre not scared of Jerry the Mouse?
Ms Ethics: No, but I am scared of Itchy.
Dr Rodent: Itchy? Never heard of the bloodthirsty psychopath.
Ms Ethics: But Doctor Rodent, youre talking about mice who reproduce human beings! Surely you can admit thats a bit weird?
Dr Rodent: Not at all. A couple of scientifically engineered mice cant be worse parents than the kind of jerks weve got bringing up kids these days. Im sure most kids would love to have two mice to call Mom and Dad. Two loving mice who let their child run on their wheel with them. You think our children dont deserve that kind of loving? It breaks my heart.
Mr Democratic Party Chairman: Will MouseMan be allowed to run for President? And if so, can you have him ready for 2004?
Dr Rodent: Ill do my best. Lets talk policy.
END
