pronoun
pronoun n word, such as she or it, used to replace a noun
First week in language school, I speaking like this:
'Who is her name?'
'It costing I three pounds buying this disgusting sandwich.'
'Sally telling I that her just having coffee.'
'Me having fried rice today.'
'Me watching TV when me in China.'
'Our should do things together with the people.'
Always the same, the people laughing as long as I open my mouth.
'Ms Zh-u-ang, you have to learn when to use I as the subject, and when to use me as the object!'
Mrs Margaret speaking Queen's English to me.
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So I have two mes? According to Mrs Margaret, one is subject I one is object I? But I only one I. Unless Mrs Margaret talking about incarnation or after life.
She also telling me I disorder when speaking English.
Chinese we starting sentence from concept of time or place.
Order like this:
Last autumn on the Great Wall we eat barbecue.
So time and space always bigger than little human in our country. Is not like order in English sentence, 'I', or 'Jake' or 'Mary' by front of everything, supposing be most important thing to whole sentence.
English a sexist language. In Chinese no 'gender definition' in sentence. For example, Mrs Margaret says these in class:
'Everyone must do his best.'
'If a pupil can't attend the class, he should let his teacher know.'
'We need to vote for a chairman for the student union.'
Always talking about mans, no womans!
Mrs Margaret later telling verb most difficult thing for our oriental people. Is not only 'difficult', is 'impossibility'!
I not understanding why verb can always changing.
One day I find a poetry by William Shakespeare on school's library shelf. I studying hard. I even not stopping for lunch. I open little Concise Dictionary more 40 times checking new words. After looking some Shakespeare poetry, I will can return back my China home, teaching everyone about Shakespeare. Even my father know Shakespeare big dude, because our in our local government evening classes they telling everyones Shakespeare most famous person from Britain.
One thing, even Shakespeare write bad English. For example, he says 'Where go thou?'. If I speak like that Mrs Margaret will tell me wrongly. Also I finding poem of him call 'An Outcry Upon Opportunity':
'Tis thou that execut'st the traitor's treason;
Thou sett'st the wolf where he the lamb may get
I not understanding at all. What this ''tis', 'execut'st' and 'sett'st'? Shakespeare can writing that, my spelling not too bad then.
After grammar class, I sit on bus and have deep thought about my new language. Person as dominate subject, is main thing in an English sentence. Does it mean West culture respecting individuals more? In China, you open daily newspaper, title on top is 'OUR HISTORY DECIDE IT IS TIME TO GET RICH' or 'THE GREAT COMMUNIST PARTY HAVE THIRD MEETING' or 'THE 2008 OLYMPICS NEED CITIZENS PLANT MORE GREENS'. Look, no subjects here are mans or womans. Maybe Chinese too shaming putting their name first, because that not modest way to be.
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misunderstanding
misunderstand v fail to understand properly
That's how all start. From a misunderstanding. When you say 'guest' I think you meaning I can stay in your house. A week later, I move out from Chinese landlord.
I not really have anything, only big wheel-missing suitcase. The husband helping me suitcase. The wife opening door. Your white van waiting outside, you with hands on wheel.
Husband puts wheel-missing suitcase on your van, you smile to landlord and turn engine key.
I want ask something to my landlord that I always wanting ask, so I put my head out of window:
'Why you not plant plants in your garden?'
Wife is hesitate: 'Why? It is not easy to grow plants in this country. No sun.'
For last time I look the concrete garden. Is same no story, same way as before. Like little piece of Gobi desert. What a life! Or maybe all the immigrants here living like that?
White van starting up, I respond to wife:
'Not true. Everywhere green in this country. How you say not easy growing plant here?'
We leave house behind. The couple is waving hands to me.
I say: 'Chinese strange sometimes.'
You smile: 'I don't understand you Chinese at all. But I would like to get to know you.'
We driving in high street. My suitcase lie down obediently at back. Is so easy move house like this in West? I happy I leave my grey and no fun Tottenham Hale, heading to a better area, I think. But streets becoming more and more rough. Lots of black kids shouting outside. Beggars sitting on corner with dogs, smoking, and murmuring.
'Where your house?' I ask.
'Hackney.'
'How is Hackney?'
'Hackney is Hackney,' you say.
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free world
free world esp. US hist non-Communist countries
You say:
'I feel incredibly lucky to be with you. We're going to have loads of exciting adventures together. Our first big adventure will be in west Wales. I'll show you the sea. I'll teach you to swim because it is shameful that a peasant girl cannot swim. I'll show you the dolphins in the sea, and the seals with their babies. I want you to experience the beauty of the peace and quiet in a Welsh cottage. I think you will love it there.'
You also say:
'Then I want to take you to Spain and France. I know that you'll love them. But we'll have to wait for a while. We need to earn some money. I'll have to get more work doing deliveries in the van to boring rich people. Can you put up with me being so boring - or do you think you'll get fed up with me after a while?'
Later you say:
'I feel so good about the love that you and I have with each other because it happened so quickly and spontaneously, like a forest fire.'
And you say:
'I just love the way you are.'
More Chinese literature on openDemocracy:
"Hairlines: China" (December 2002)
"Time passing through my hair" (February 2003)
"The Republic of Poetry" (March 2004)
"Tortured language: the poetry of human rights" (November 2005)
Everything good so far, but from one thing - you don't understand my visa limited situation. I am native Chinese from mainland of China. I am not of free world. And I only have student visa for a year here. I not able just leave London English language school and go live somewhere only have trees and sea, although is beautiful. And I can't travel to Spain and France just to fun - I need show these embassy officer my bank account to apply my Europe visa. And my bank statements is never qualify for them. You a free man of free world. I am not free, like you.
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dilemma
dilemma n situation offering a choice between two equally undesirable alternatives
I read this word so many times on the paper and never understand it. Now, when think about whether I should stay here or go back China, I understand this word totally.
It is a difficult word just like what it means. Dilemma. Knowing this word, I also learn these words: paradox, contradictory, alternative.
'If I leave this country, or say we split up, what you will do?' I ask.
'I don't want to be with another woman.'
'Why?'
'I don't want to.'
'Why you don't want another lover?'
'I just want to be on my own.'
'Really? And you don't want to be with a man lover either?'
'No. I don't want anybody.'
'Really?' I think I don't understand you.
'Really. Look, you need me, and your love is a need. But I don't need anything, and I don't need you. That's why I can be on my own.'
You say: 'I'd like to be a monk. I want to give up everything: the city, desire, sex. Then I can be free.'
'We should let each other go,' you say to me.
'But we still love each other,' I insist. How can two lovers just decide to separate while they still in love with each other?
'We should leave each other.' You look at me, as it is said by a priest, a sober priest in the church.
Suddenly I feel that you have already made up your mind. And nothing can be changed. But I still remember that love song you sang to me before, under your fig trees in the garden. The lyrics and the melody are still wandering around in my ears:
It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
I think you only want the joyful part of love, and you dare not to face the difficult part of love. In China we say, 'You can't expect both ends of a sugar cane are as sweet.' Sometimes love can be ugly. But one still has to take it and swallow it.
I start to deal with my immigration papers. I have to apply for an extension of my visa. It is frustrating. I need to show my bank details to the Home Office that I have stable income to live here, but certainly I don't have any income. Everything is family supported. How much money I left in my bank? Two hundred pounds? Or one hundred and fifty pounds by tomorrow? Most importantly, I don't have any reason to stay here, except for you. And I feel confused. I want to stay but I don't know if it is the right decision. My parents' opinions now seems don't bother me very much like before. Plus, they know nothing of my life here.
I thought that you would bring everything into my life. I thought you are my Jesus. You are my priest, my light. So I always believed you are my only home here. I feel so insecure because I am so scared of losing you. That's why I want to control you, I want you are in my view always and I want cut off your extension to the world and your extension to the others.
I think of those days when I travelled in Europe on my own. I met many people and finally I wasn't so afraid of being alone. Maybe I should let my life open, like a flower; maybe I should fly, like a lonely bird. I shouldn't be blocked by a tree, and I shouldn't be scared about losing one tree, instead of seeing a whole forest.
Photographed by Wang Ningde
