2003 Review and Awards

Looking back

What a week and what a year!

Let’s do the year first, then the week.

2003 – a bite-size reminder

Start as you mean to go on, the old adage goes, and 2003 certainly did that. By the time the year is out, the Diary said in January, 700 million chickens will have ended up in KFC packaging. Libyan charmer Colonel Gaddafi appointed a beauty queen as honorary consul of Libya to the USA. The Diary reported that Jesus Christ may have been a cannabis dealer. And Saddam Hussein told his people: “If anyone attempts to intimidate you ... repel him and tell him that he is a small midget while we belong to a nation of glorious faith.”

Happiness = P + (5 x E) + (3 x H), the Diary suggested, which, as the year went on, proved to be about right. The University of Sussex found that “Democracy wins hands down over despotism when it comes to making choices in an animal group.” Time magazine ran a poll asking “Which country is the greatest danger to world peace in 2003?” The United States got 81.6% of the vote. Vaclav Havel made his farewell speech to the Czech parliament. “I did my best,” he said. “Zilch!” said Ari Fleischer, President Bush’s spokesman, when asked if the White House had any regrets about using the phrase “axis of evil” a year previously. In Tanzania, Mr. Ebbo had a hit with a rap extolling the benefits of privatisation.

“You’re thinking of Europe as Germany and France,” US defense secretary Donald “Rummy” Rumsfeld said, kicking up a diplomatic storm. “I don’t. I think that’s Old Europe.” Dubya’s aim was described as “To put spine into the United Nations and the rest of the international community.” Saddam said, “I fall asleep as soon as I put my head on the pillow.” Britain’s Institute of Directors calculated that a short, sharp war would benefit the US economy. Bush’s aggressive State of the Union address was dismissed as “mere idle talk” by Iraqi daily Al-Thawra. France made it a criminal offence to boo the Marseillaise. A restaurant in Changsha, in China’s Hunan province, started serving dishes cooked with human breast milk.

In February, US secretary of state Colin Powell took his case against Iraq to the United Nations with a slide and video presentation. Picasso’s Guernica was covered up. Dominique de Villepin, dapper French foreign minister, was applauded. Jacques Chirac told “new” Europe to stop being “infantile” and to shut its mouth and bow to its older superiors. Rummy chastised reporters for fixating on a “smoking gun”: “You all have been watching L.A. Law or something too much.” The proposed annual US defence budget by the end of the decade was calculated as $500 billion. The CIA launched a drive for new Chinese-American recruits with an advert that read “Just as the Year of the Goat is centred on strong and clear motivation for peace, harmony and tranquillity during challenging times, we are equally intent on our mission to safeguard American and its people.” “It could last six days, six weeks. I doubt six months,” said Rummy of the forthcoming war in Iraq.

Meanwhile, in Eldoret, Kenya, gangs of young men continued to attack women in trousers and strip them naked. In Thailand, the authorities launched a campaign to encourage women to enlarge their breasts the natural way. And Michael Jordan, one of the greatest athletes of all time, took his last bow as an NBA All-Star.

By March, millions of Americans wanted to axe their president – that’s President Bartlet (a.k.a. Martin Sheen, star of West Wing). Several ‘human shields’ who had travelled by double-decker bus to Baghdad to show their solidarity with Saddam returned home with their tails between their legs “concerned for their safety”. Advertising guru Charlotte Beers resigned from the Bush administration where she was employed to sell America’s image to the world. Bush promised democracy in Iraq. Zurich was named the world’s best place to live, Brazzaville the worst. French citizens took to the comedy clubs for some light relief, while President Chirac said of the new UN resolution authorising the use of force against Iraq: “No matter what the circumstances, we will vote ‘no’.” Anonymous source “Deep Trout” admitted that the Moldovan women’s underwater hockey team was a front.

“Make no mistake,” whooped Vice-Admiral Timothy Keating of the US fifth fleet, “when the President says go, look out, it’s hammer time.” A week before the “shock and awe” of the first strikes on Baghdad, inspired by Cubbies restaurant in North Carolina, the US House of Representatives replaced “French fries” with “Freedom fries”. Much of America followed suit. A Florida congresswoman proposed exhuming the remains of American war dead from Normandy and shipping them back home. “We have an expression in Texas that says ‘Show your cards’,” said Dubya. “France has shown its card. Now we have to see tomorrow what that card meant.”

The Diary went into hiding.

Come April, the tone of the year was set. There was ongoing war in Iraq. The US and Europe were split. And Islam was political centre-stage. 72% of French Muslims said they wanted the US to lose the war in Iraq. 85% of French citizens approved of their president. Electronics giant Sony tried to register the phrase “Shock and Awe” for a computer game. US toy company Hero Builders produced a twelve-inch action figure of Iraqi dis-information minister ‘Comical Ali’ (winner of World Diary Liar of the Year award) the Scheherazade who said, “Our initial assessment is that they [the US forces] will all die.”

The statues of Saddam started to fall. Bush, ever more Reagan-ised, and around whom there was talk of an FDR-style third term, said it was like watching the Berlin Wall come down. “We are hopeful that a number of regimes will draw the appropriate lesson from Iraq,” said John Negroponte, US ambassador to the UN. Saddam made his last curtain call. “All hard times come to an end,” he said.

The frost hardened in May. 55% of Britons said France was their “least reliable ally”. In second place, with 25% of the vote, came “All other countries”. Documents were found in the Iraqi foreign ministry detailing Franco-Iraqi mutuality. As Europe set about planning a rival (anti-war) military power to the US, the Diary wondered if we are heading towards Cold War II? Diamond sales plummeted as a result of the war in Iraq while Dubya declared major combat over. Blair became a realist, Chirac an idealist, Schröder apologetic. Everyone got confused.

China thought it appropriate to promote the man who enforced the oppression of the news of the Sars outbreak, giving him a once-liberal newspaper to run. Secrets were not to be spread, but viruses... Anyway, Zhang Dongming became a leading candidate for the World Diary Villain of the Year.

Records showed that Saddam withdrew $1 billion from the Iraqi central bank just hours before the first bombs fell on Baghdad. Poland, “the new Germany”, made plans to take control of one of the four conflict zones in Iraq where protestors took to the streets against American “occupation” and the lack of security. “Free people are free to make mistakes and commit crimes and do bad things,” explained Don Rumsfeld, before ordering a massive intelligence review. Bangladesh made plans to start importing tea. Slovakians voted to join the EU. 93% of Rwandans voted to back a new (anti-genocide) constitution. 1,600 voters in Belgium arrived at the polls in swimwear. Ariel Sharon used the word. “occupation”.

June began well. Bush and Chirac shook hands in Evian before the US Prez jetted off the Sharm el-Sheikh with plans to solve the crisis in the Middle East. Things didn’t last. Bush got a reality lesson (“It is clear there are people in the Middle East who hate peace,” he despaired). Chirac got upstaged when his attempt to pose as the champion of the world’s poor was undermined by Dubya, who pledged $15 billion to fight Aids in Africa, daring Europe to do the same. Pakistan’s North-West Frontier Province introduced sharia law. The Global Village and Discovery Center opened in Georgia, USA, complete with full-scale slum. Eternal Diary favourite King Mswati III (“The Lion”) announced that “women and trousers are the cause of the world’s ill” before coming up with one of the Quotes of the Year: “During election times, we tend to lose our grandmothers, grandfathers and young children. They just disappear. But I want to warn you that you should not resort to ritual murder.”

North Korea said it needed to build nuclear bombs in order to feed its people. Mauritania had another coup, though it failed and no one was sure who staged it. Rwanda beat Uganda 1-0 in a football match in Kampala, though Uganda claimed the Rwandan goalie used witchcraft. Iraq’s al-Zawra football club beat a team of US soldiers 12-0. AC Perugia signed Saadi Gaddafi to their midfield. Fidel Castro claimed he was the victim of “fascist imperialism”. Poland and the Czech Republic voted to join the EU. Saddam’s latest novel was discovered in Baghdad.

In the pay of the French government, Woody Allen tried to convince his compatriots to fall back in love with all things Gallic. The EU said it was willing to use force against countries that threaten to use weapons of mass destruction. Protests erupted across Iran. 56% of Americans said they’d support military action against Iran. “Some day freedom will prevail everywhere,” said President Bush, raising $20 million for re-election in just two weeks. Valery Giscard d’Estaing used the word “humble”.

In July, Italy got into a fuss over revisionism. Silvio Berlusconi compared a socialist German member of the European Parliament (MEP) Martin Schulz to a Nazi commandant and got accused of “offensive buffoonery” in a tidal wave of righteous indignation (though the episode never made the news on Berlusconi’s Rai Uno). Italian tourism minister Stefano Stefani followed up by calling Germans “stereotyped hyper-nationalistic blondes ... [who] noisily invade our beaches”. As for MEP Schulz, Stefani said, “he probably grew up amid noisy belching contests after gargantuan beer drinking sessions and huge helpings of fried potatoes.” Germans account for 40% or more of tourism to Italy. After hesitating for a couple of weeks, Chancellor Schröder cancelled his holiday in Umbria in disgust. Germany got busy rebranding itself for the 21st Century. Stefani stepped down as minister for tourism.

Bush headed to Africa and said his country had “a calling”. Liberia erupted. Bush took one look at Charles Taylor and said he wanted to work with the international community. “What was that all about?” asked Kenya’s Daily Nation. Strom Thurmond, segregationist (who, it emerged in December, fathered an illegitimate mixed-race daughter), died at age 100. “France is not yet on the way to heaven, only in purgatory, since we still have socialists,” said French prime minister Jean-Pierre Raffarin. KFC said it was “committed to the well-being and humane treatment of poultry.” Kuwait’s 136,175 all-male voters voted against women’s suffrage.

Iraq held the inaugural session of the new interim governing council. The Iraqi Communist party took to the streets to exercise freedom of speech, calling for an empowered private sector. 20% of all profits from Iranian car sales, it emerged, went straight to Ayatollah Ali Khameinei who unveiled the new Shahab-3 missile – a “divine force” capable of hitting Israel. Europe’s Muslims called for a return to the trading of gold dinars. The US launched Hi, a new Arabic-language lifestyle magazine that bestows the virtues of American culture. “I think all foreigners should stop interfering in the internal affairs of Iraq,” said Paul Wolfowitz, US deputy defense secretary, in another Quote of the Year, before admitting to “murky intelligence”. Iceland got militaristic. Uday and Qusay Hussein were no more. Sao Tome had a coup. Sections that dealt with Saudi links to 9/11 were classified in a US congressional report. An office in the Pentagon abandoned plans to set up an online futures market that would allow speculators to bet on forecasting terrorist attacks. President Bush said “I take personal responsibility for everything I say.” President Teodoro Obiang Nguema of Equatorial Guinea was declared God by his aides.

In August, Hu Jintao cancelled the annual sojourn to the Beidaihe sea resort taken by China’s communist hierarchy. “Dear Leader” Kim Jong-il won 100% of the vote for constituency 649 in the North Korean “elections”. He also stood unopposed. Members of the Bush administration were dubbed “bloodthirsty vampires” by Pyongyang. “Work, work, work, I am almost a German,” said Silvio Berlusconi.

Things got oily in Iraq. India went after Coca-Cola and Pepsi. Activists in South Korea launched 600 helium balloons into North Korea with radios attached detailing the North’s human rights record. Blue Box Toys of Hong Kong unveiled their twelve-inch G.I. George doll – “Elite Force Aviator: George W. Bush – US President and Naval Aviator.” In another Quote of the Year, Dubya said, “I’m a follower of American politics.” Charles Taylor stood down in Liberia, but promised “I will be back.” Arnold Schwarzenegger announced his candidacy for governor of California with the slogan “Hasta la vista, baby!”

In South Africa, twenty-two white extremists claimed they were being tortured by being forced to listen to black music. The UN got worked up because Ethiopian troops were playing football over the Eritrean border. President Paul Kagame won 95.05% of the vote in Rwandan elections. The European Space Agency said humans could be living on the moon in twenty years. Canada banned smiling in passport photos. Idi Amin died in Saudi Arabia. Six-nation talks on the North Korean crisis ended in Beijing with North Korea promising to explode a nuclear device and saying, “We are not interested at all in this kind of talks and do not have any hopes.” The great Pete Sampras retired from the game of tennis. It was a month of devastating terrorism. “The best ambition for us is to die as martyrs,” declared a loudspeaker at a Hamas funeral.

“God curse money! What is money for?” said Colonel Gaddafi in September after finally agreeing to pay compensation to the victims of the bombing of a French airliner in 1989. The Pentagon held screenings of The Battle of Algiers to learn how to deal with Iraq. Arnie became governor of California and Senator Orrin Hatch launched a measure to allow immigrants into the Oval Office. Meanwhile, in Alabama, Governor Bob Riley asked, “What would Jesus tax?” North Korea described its soldiers as “human bombs and bullets devotedly defending the leader.” King Mswati III attended the annual reed dance in which 15,000 girls dance bare-breasted and the king chooses himself some more wives. Unfortunately for “The Lion”, the Gods intervened and the event was a washout. In Italy, bottles of wine with pictures of Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin and Che Guevara on the labels were selling like hot cakes. The UN banned smoking in all its premises.

The Cancún summit collapsed and all talk was of the end of the World Trade Organisation. “There are only losers,” lamented EU trade commissioner Pascal Lamy. Voters in Seattle refused to add ten cents to the cost of their coffee to help the poor. Italian shoppers went on strike. “There are no excuses for being a vagabond,” said Bangkok governor Samak Sundaravej, planning to “feed them from the state like my previous operation against street dogs.” President Bush left it late to say, “We have no evidence that Saddam Hussein was involved with the 11 September attacks.” “Mussolini never killed anyone,” said Silvio Berlusconi. There was a coup in Guinea-Bissau.

Then Dubya visited the UN in what the Diary judged “a cunning mixture of defiance and pleading” and claimed to have invaded Iraq in part to uphold the credibility of the UN. The UN, said Kofi Annan, had “come to a fork in the road”. “We very much want the Americans to succeed,” Jacques Chirac said on behalf of his nation, sending everyone into hysterics. The “ice age” in US-German relations was declared over. “Italy is a great country to invest in,” Berlusconi said at the NYSE, “today we have fewer communists and those who are still there deny having been one ... Another reason to invest in Italy is that we have beautiful secretaries ... superb girls.”

October began as expected. North Korea called Don Rumsfeld a “politically illiterate old man” and “a psychopath on his death bed” who is “cursed and hated worldwide”, before claiming to have reprocessed 8,000 spent nuclear fuel rods. Jacques Chirac tried to charm Laura Bush, twice kissing the First Lady’s hand. “Never has France been so listened to and never have so many hopes been placed in it,” chimed Dominique de Villepin. Levi Strauss announced plans to close its last factory in the US. Brazil’s President Lula made a controversial trip to Cuba to where George Bush promised to bring freedom. “I don’t give opinions about the internal political conditions of other countries,” Lula said, in one of the weirder Quotes of the Year. Hillary Clinton found her memoirs censored in China “to ensure an even better reception”.

Israel took its fight against terrorism onto Syrian soil. Japan promised to investigate a mass three-day orgy that China was getting heated about. The truth emerged about the looting of the Baghdad museum. Saudi Arabia promised to hold elections. Mount Schwarzenegger appeared in the Caucuses. “Today the Jews rule this world by proxy,” outgoing Malaysian prime minister Mahathir Mohamed told the Organisations of the Islamic Conference to widespread applause. Iran promised “total transparency”. The US offered concessions to North Korea who called the offer “laughable”. The EU said it was not a threat to Nato. French tobacconists followed the mime artists and stilt walkers and went on strike. France represented Germany at an EU summit. The Red Cross was bombed in Iraq.

On his “warp speed” tour of Asia, Dubya struck a new tone. Hu Jintao charmed Australia. In a leaked memo, Rummy called the missions in Iraq and Afghanistan “a long, hard slog” – that’s “slog” as in “hitting an enemy hard” Rummy claimed later, dictionary in hand. According to Lieutenant-General William Boykin, US deputy undersecretary of defense for intelligence, Bush won the presidency despite receiving fewer votes than Al Gore, “because God put him there for a time such as this.”

Come November, Europe voted Israel the biggest threat to world peace. Afghanistan unveiled a draft constitution for “the next 100, 200 years”, calling for an Islamic Republic. Saddam Hussein won the World Diary Bonehead of the Year Award for believing that the US invasion of Iraq was nothing more than a ruse and buying into French and Russian assurances that they could handle America. Belachew Girma, an Ethiopian man, broke the world record for non-stop laughter.

On a state visit to Britain, Dubya made the speech of his life, promising to bring democracy to the Middle East. In Guatemala, there were “too many people who wanted to vote”. For the third time in a year, not enough people turned up to vote in the Serbian elections. Berlusconi acted as President Putin’s defence lawyer. North Korea used the word “realistically” while Rummy played the diplomat, travelling to the Korean border and saying, “the people in the North, repressed people to be sure, watch their children waste away, eat bark, as that evil regime spends huge sums on weapons.” The US said it wants Iran reported to the UN Security Council.

Then England won the rugby World Cup, there was a “velvet revolution” in Georgia, the Diary looked some more at the branding of nations, and General Pinochet said he had nothing to apologise for. It was December. The EU suppressed a report into anti-semitism, details emerged of how Saddam tried to buy weapons from North Korea only to get stiffed by Kim Jong-il for $10 million, the wrong Spanish anthem was played in Australia for tennis’s Davis Cup, sparking off the year’s billionth diplomatic storm, the EU failed to get itself a constitution, and Carine Riragendanwa won the Miss “Pog-Bedre” contest in Burkina Faso.

And then Paul Bremer walked up to a microphone in Baghdad and said “Ladies and Gentlemen, we got him,” and we all watched the images of the captured Karl Marx ... sorry, Saddam Hussein (though didn’t he look like Marx with that beard! Uncanny!), and really, the year ended quite neatly. Even Jacques Chirac was putting on a brave face. “The president is delighted at the arrest of Saddam Hussein,” said Chirac’s spokeswoman. Buried in a ‘spider-hole’, Saddam was humiliated. “The world is crazy,” said Mowaffak al-Rubaie, one of the four members of Iraq’s Governing Council who got to grill Saddam face-to-face for thirty minutes on Sunday 14 December. “I was in his torture chamber in 1979 and now he was sitting there, powerless in front of me without anybody stopping me from doing anything to him. Just imagine. We were arguing, and he was using very foul language.” Ahmad Chalabi, head of the Iraqi National Congress, who also talked to the captive Saddam, summed it up best. “Had the roles been reversed, he would have torn us apart and cut us into small pieces after torture,” he said. “This contrast was paramount in my mind – how we treated him and how he would have treated us.”

The dollar soared and the price of bonds, oil and gold all fell. “I find it very interesting that when the heat got on, you dug yourself a hole and you crawled into it,” said President Bush, announcing his candidacy for the presidency in 2004 and adding, “I have come to realise this job is a magnificent job.”

Contact the Diary: Dominic.Hilton@openDemocracy.net