Last week, while most of us were out shopping, the Russian State Archives of Contemporary History in Moscow released thousands of minutes taken from meetings of the leadership of the Soviet Union between the years 1954 and 1965.
While no threat to Harry Potter on the bestseller lists, these documents make fascinating reading. They reveal an empire in a permanent state of hysterical crisis and a leader, Nikita Khrushchev, obsessed with his hair, or lack of it.
To save you the trouble, I skimmed through the documents to hunt for the dirty bits. Unfortunately, my editors wont let me print what I found.
Instead, I offer a few choice extracts, with fewer profanities. Readers may be surprised by Khrushchevs favourable attitude to Stalinism and his pathetic desire to impress Jackie Kennedy.
All similarity to current issues is, like my teeth, entirely coincidental.
Enjoy!
1. Lebanon 1958
The Soviet leadership is fidgety. The US has just invaded Lebanon to secure its olive markets, and rumours abound that Iraq is next.
Khrushchev: Why should the US pigs get all the Lebanese olives? I like olives as much as the next comrade.
Agrikov (agriculture minister): Actually, the next comrade is starving. He has no olives.
Khrushchev: Whatever. Ive half a mind to send that swine Eisenhower a picture of me in the bath. Thatll scare him.
[Collective murmurs of obsequious agreement]
Perhaps we should invade Iraq, before America does. Well install a Stalinist, with a cute black moustache, just to annoy America!
[Collective sycophantic laughter]
Our sole aim is to bring peace and harmony to the world, and all that stuff. The Middle East, like the rest of the world, is no place for democracy. Tell America we do not want war, and will nuke them if they start one. Well send Eisenhower a picture of Hitler with his own weasel face pasted onto Hitlers neck.
Bogov (faceless bureaucrat): As well as the picture of you in the bath?
Khrushchev: Alright. Forget the bath thing. Itll only make him mad. Comrades, life is like a box of chocolates.
Comrades: Why?
Khrushchev: I cant remember. Does it matter?
2. Berlin 1961
Khrushchev is about to meet President Kennedy for a night on the town. Kennedy has told Berlin that he is a sausage. Khrushchev, at once confused and concerned, has decided to tell Kennedy where to stick it.
Khrushchev: Politics is the art of confrontation. I say we provoke America into provoking us back, then we can bluff a first-strike, causing them to double-bluff Armageddon. I cant get a date this weekend, and what else is there to do?
We must force our enemies out of Berlin or build a wall so ugly and depressing no one will want to live there. The dividing wall will be a symbol to the world that the communist ideal of solidarity is alive and well.
Should I wear heels?
3. Berlin revisited 1962
Khrushchev is frustrated by his efforts at stimulating hair growth. The Berlin issue continues to plague him and he likens international relations to a shot of booze.
Khrushchev: We have to look on the dark side. I say the glass of vodka is half-empty, not half-full. Thats because I drank the top half.
Politics is like a case of vodka great fun, but hard on the liver. The key is to nail your shot, one gulp, then pour another. Always drink in public and grope as many comrades as you can in under a minute.
This is our policy.
4. On Kennedy 1962
Khrushchev is jealous of Kennedys East Coast class and charm.
Khrushchev: Its not fair. Why should Kennedy have this full head of hair? The bastard is so handsome. And all the women he gets! Id give up Mother Russia for a night with Marilyn.
I want some of that Hyannis Port sophistication. When people see me, they think of a pig, with trotters and a snout. When people see him, they think of sailboats and tennis. I want to be young again! I want to be a Kennedy!
Can someone send that picture of me in the bath to Jackie? A classy dame like that will never go for a Ukrainian peasant like me.
5. Cuba 1962
Khrushchev hatches a plan.
Khrushchev: Lets send some nukes to Cuba. Come on, itll be fun! This way, when hes dead, and embalmed in vodka, Khrushchev will be remembered for being offensive.
Well send the missiles over on ships. No-one will notice. Well hoist a pirate flag to confuse people, then write TOP SECRET on the poop-deck so the US spy planes will know its none of their business.
Have a proposal on my bed by 4pm. Im going to rub cucumber into my scalp.
6. Cuban Missile Crisis 1962
Khrushchev: What did I tell you? America has no balls. I give them every reason to nuke us and they dont. Well, their fault for putting a communist in the White House. Should have gone with Nixon.
Cuba is now the centre of the universe. So much more fun now theyve closed all the casinos and brothels.
Isnt it?
Anyway, I think weve come out of this looking quite good, dont you?
Bugarov (PR consultant for the Soviet Union): Not bad at all. We look confrontational, with a hint of mischievous. Comrade Khrushchev has an element of Santa Claus about him. People love that. Have you ever thought of a beard?
Khrushchev (takes off his shoe and bangs it on the table): Hair? Youre mentioning hair to me? Send this ass to Siberia, immediately!
7. On global peace 1963
Khrushchev is worried about his legacy. Is he a worthy successor of Lenin and Stalin? He vents his fury on the Presidium.
Khrushchev: Comrade Stalin must be turning in his mass graves. To think you lot are his successors! A bunch of drippy liberals. We must do with America as Stalin did with his enemies, the bad seeds. We must bomb Britain and France. If youre not manly enough to handle it, then go defect to the United States, join some womens rights group. I, Comrade Khrushchev, vow to smash all ... Wait! Wheres everybody going? Come back or Ill have you shot.
