My failure this week to win the Nobel Peace Prize sent shockwaves through my household.
My cat refuses to look me in the eye.
My mother keeps calling me. I thought you said you were a shoo-in, she growls. Why do you insist on taunting me like this?
Next year, mummy, I say. Ill make you proud of me yet.
That gets her laughing.
My friends arent much consolation. You lost to a Muslim woman, from Iran? they jeer. Uh-oh, cheerios!
I must admit, Im a bit peeved. I keep going over events of the last twelve months, wondering where exactly I went wrong.
When I advocated the bombing of Iraq, I didnt want anyone to get hurt. I hoped for a sustained, but peaceful, bombing campaign, with no casualties outside the immediate Hussein family.
When I challenged the wiry, ailing Osama to a fist fight, mano-e-mano, I meant it in the pacifist sense (Im allergic to bark. Fighting Osama is better for my health than tree-hugging).
As far as Im concerned, and I am, Ive done everything humanly possible to win the Nobel Peace Prize.
I mean, if Henry Kissinger can win it, if Yassir Arafat can win it, then why cant I?
As usual, international politics has got in the way of my just deserts. What chance did I stand against the likes of Shirin Ebadi? Shes Iranian, Im British. Shes a Muslim, Im a quasi-agnostic-atheist-apathetic-Christian-of-sorts. Shes a woman, Im a columnist.
Ms. Ebadi might well be a do-gooder, a beacon of hope for her people, but on the international stage she has obviously benefited from a healthy dose of positive discrimination. Why should I suffer just because she was lucky enough to be oppressed in a theocratic patriarchal state?
How can I possibly compete with her social disadvantage?
Im sick and tired of being overlooked just because I grew up in the southern English Home Counties. I didnt ask to be born into a middle-class suburban household. But now I am repeatedly punished for my misfortune.
The fact is, a white, heterosexual, able-bodied, devastatingly handsome strawberry blonde man like myself will forever be at a disadvantage. Politically, I am of no attraction. Nobody wants me for a photo call. Nobody wants to champion my sort. Nobody wants to give me the Nobel Peace Prize.
Its time the Nobel committee came clean. Their decision to undermine my sterling work is racist, sexist, religionist, and various other ists.
I for one wont stand for it anymore. Thats why Ive decided to start up the human rights group Travesty International. Im campaigning under the slogan A Goody or Ebadi: the Choice is Yours!.
Already, volunteers are flooding me with offers of assistance, physical and intellectual. My phone lines are jammed, my mail-box stuffed. Ive always wanted to work for a charity case, they say, showering me with liberal pity.
And I appreciate all their support, really I do. A man without temporary interns is like a dog without a bone, though dont ask me why.
Just consider this letter from my most loyal one-joke fan:
Dear Mr. Hilton,
That un-noble Nobel Committee must be taking the peace. You are the worlds biggest peace-head. What did you do to peace these people off? Peace in their thyme?
Yours admiringly,
Stephanos Stephanopolous
Fan Club Member No. 833100-2
And dont think Stephanos Stephanopolous is the only one, if indeed he is only one. Check out this letter from Helen Melons in Niagra Falls:
Dear Sexy (can I call you that, or are you pig ugly?),
Men like you are the backbone of international justice. If I was a Nobel committee judge, instead of a lap-dancer, Id give you the Peace Prize, no questions asked. Your aimless sympathy for the fate of mankind may seem naive and pathetic to others, but I know that for every marauding army, there must be at least one man like you, hiding in your bedroom, writing drippy columns. Your heart is so big Im surprised it doesnt burst out of your chest, spraying your pyjamas with blood and guts, both of which you have in abundance.
Good luck,
Helen Melons
Fan Club Member No. 833100-1
The truth is, folks, I carry no global weight. I am a forgotten member of a lost tribe. The sun set on my empire so long ago Ive started howling at the moon. I hold no appeal to the international pacifist set. Ive had my day, even though my day came before I was born.
Forgive me if I sound a little bitter, but in anticipation of the Peace Prize, I broke a fingernail clearing space in my trophy cabinet.
The fact is, awarding me the prize would have done nothing to assist President Bushs doctrine of pre-emption and thats the bottom line, people. I dont want to take anything away from Ms. Ebadi (except her prize), but by selecting an Iranian woman, famed for her promotion of democracy and human rights for women and children, the Nobel committee is sending a clear message to Irans Islamic conservatives: reform, or suffer the same fate as Iraq.
My problem is obvious: I live in a democracy. No civilised country wants to bomb me.
Please help me by writing to your local warlord, or lobbying your nearest militia.
Donations to Travesty International are most welcome. Your solidarity is fine, but money talks.
