Please Poll Ease Me

Does art precede life? And if so, what should we make of the movie ‘Santa Claus 2’?

It was as I meditated on such riddles last week that my phone rang, sending my heart catapulting out of my chest in fright. The damn thing came with its ring-tone set to “cluster bomb”, and I can’t work out how to change it.

At the other end of the satellite was a nice young woman from a polling organisation calling itself “Poll Ease”. She said, “My name is Tiffany. Poll Ease take a minute to answer a few questions.” I said, “Sure thing, Tiff. I’ve always wanted to be polled.”

I won’t tell you what she said to that.

A mere five minutes later I was lying on my bathroom floor with a wet flannel draped across my forehead, my entire moral value system shattered into a thousand tiny pieces.

“Poll Ease? More like Poll Axe!” I shrieked into the plug-hole.

Tiffany’s questions had penetrated deep into the heart of my bourgeois sensibilities. The world as I knew it was turned upside down. Black was White. War was Peace. The Big Mac was a Whopper.

This, I insist, was not the reaction of a weak man. As regular readers will testify, I’m usually a tough nut to crack. I don’t make a habit of fainting. For me, it’s more like a hobby.

I hereby offer the following selection of questions as proof of the sheer hell to which I was subjected. Unfortunately, due to a recent European Union ruling, I cannot accept responsibility for any medical conditions that may result from your participation.

Q. Is politics necessary?

1. Yes, it gives families something to argue about
2. No, let’s abolish it
3. I haven’t the foggiest

Q. Being British is:

1. The same as being European
2. Not being English
3. To be guilty

Q. Can the Middle East ever be democratic?

1. To say otherwise is condescending
2. Only when the Pope gets hitched
3. Is North Africa still the Middle East?

Q. US power is:

1. Benign
2. Liberating
3. Powerful

Q. Where is South Africa?

1. South of Africa
2. West of Asia
3. Somewhere below me

Q. When was the War on Terror?

1. 1939-45
2. May 1968
3. This week

Q. Who is Hu Jintao?

1. No-one, that’s a made-up name.
2. Supreme Ayatollah of the Islamic Republic of Iran
3. Anakin Skywalker’s pet

Q. What is a “velvet revolution”?

1. Something to do with upholstery
2. Marx’s nightmare
3. David Bowie’s trousers

Q. Name three Hollywood stars

1. Michael Douglas, Julia Roberts, Bill Clinton
2. Vito Corleone, Willy the Whale, President Jed Bartlet
3. Barbara Streisand, Moses (former head of the National Rifle Association), Maximus Decimus Meridius

Q. Time is:

1. Money
2. Relative
3. A rival to Newsweek

Q. Who is right?

1. Dubya
2. Hans Blix
3. Francis Fukuyama

Q. What is the UN for?

1. Passing empty resolutions
2. World Government
3. Lunch

Q. Wind power or oil?

1. Oil
2. Wind power
3. Oil

Q. What is NASA?

1. Under-funded
2. Full of eggheads
3. Street slang for “No, sir”

Q. Does the nation of Palestine border Israel?

1. Where?
2. Always
3. No, but I’m there now

Q. Your dog has fleas. Do you:

1. Shoot it
2. Watch some more TV
3. Encourage the growth of civil society

Q. Who was Mahatma Ghandi?

1. The Oscar-winning Ben Kingsley
2. A Beatle
3. We all were

Q. Would you vote?

1. When?
2. Only if it’s compulsory
3. None of the above

Q. Where is Saddam?

1. Why are you asking me?
2. In Tikrit
3. Hell

Q. Why freedom?

1. Why not?
2. Because it guarantees peace
3. I get 150 hours of free internet access every month

Q. Switzerland is:

1. European
2. Not in the European Union
3. Full of neutral cuckoo clocks

Q. Who is the new face of Revlon?

1. Colonel Gaddafi
2. Michael Jackson
3. J.D. Salinger

Q. Society is:

1. Dumbing-down
2. Crime-ridden
3. There’s no such thing

Q. Is chess a sport?

1. Only if the players wear uniforms
2. What does the knight do again?
3. Yes, and computers are athletes

Q. Colombia is good for:

1. Nothing
2. Drugs
3. The hostage negotiation business

Q. Where is Myanmar?

1. I didn’t know you had one
2. Somewhere near my grandma
3. On top of Burma

Q. China is:

1. Communist
2. A businessman’s dream
3. Not safe for dishwashers

Q. Is there anybody out there?

1. Yes, monsters
2. They’ll come in peace
3. No, but there’s somebody in here

Q. My body is:

1. A temple
2. Political
3. Hidden under my clothes

Q. What time is it in Kathmandu?

1. Hammer time
2. Time they got a watch
3. Time after Time

Q. Work is:

1. Good for the soul
2. A method of looking busy
3. The right of every mortgage payer

Q. Which is the biggest threat to world peace?

1. Wales
2. Togo
3. The Golden Arches

Q. What is Silvio Berlusconi?

1. A cruise ship crooner
2. President of Europe
3. Centre-forward for A.C. Milan

Q. How do you pronounce Marquis?

1. Markee
2. Markwiss
3. You don’t

Q. Which world leader would you consider dating?

1. Kim Jong-il
2. King Mswati III
3. Both

Q. How many fingers am I holding up?

1. Two
2. Four
3. Twenty-six

Q. Can I ask two more questions?

1. Shoot
2. Go ahead
3. Hit me

Q. The revolution is:

1. Inevitable
2. In hair care
3. Not to be televised

Q. Would you be interested in hearing about our great deals on double-glazed windows?

1. Yes, bring it on!
2. You bet your ass!
3. There’s no place like a double-glazed home!

- If you answered mainly a you are left-handed
- If you answered mainly b you are the Vice-President of Burundi
- If you answered mainly c you are just the person we’re looking for