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A Brief Biological Guide to American Political Amphibians and Reptiles

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In this educational piece the author describes the neoteny exhibited by the political species
Jim Gabour
1 January 2012

Attention, please.  Notebooks at the ready.  

The political amphibian, and its related reptilian brothers and sisters classified as Reptilia politicus americanus, are curious creatures of varied appearances and lifestyles.

“Amphibian” derives from the Greek for “double life”.  Usually the amphibian’s early years are spent in water, breathing through gills in the side of their head as fish do. At this stage they actually resemble fish, swimming by wriggling their tails.

As they mature, amphibians normally lose those gills and develop legs. 

Political parallels are numerous.

A number of species, though, begin leg development but keep their childhood breathing apparatus and stay in immature waters throughout their lifetimes. This is a classic example of an evolutionary phenomenon known as neoteny -- describing an amphibian which keeps a juvenile identity even as a full-grown adult.  

This condition has been observed by the scientific community to exist within human political circles in a suborder that thrives on the leaves of Camellia sinensis, the common tea plant.

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In spite of some religiously-based scientific dispute to the contrary, all amphibians have soft skin which readily absorbs elements from their environment.  Thus, they are destined to be among the first organisms to suffer from the effects of global pollution and climate change.

The Urodela or Caudata classes of amphibians have especially diverse methods of survival and/or of dealing with the universe, with amazing parallels to humanoid political behavior.

When the Four-Toed Salamander (Homidactylium sculatum) is apprehended by a predator, it intentionally separates a portion of its body, specifically its tail, which breaks off and wriggles wildly to divert the aggressor while the larger corpus of the lizard gets away.  This Salamander quickly regenerates a new tail and proceeds on as before.

Unlike most of its silent kind, the Pacific Giant Salamander (Dicamptodon ensatus) emits low-pitched howls when cornered.

A Two-lined Salamander (Eurycea aquatic) is a stubbornly one-sided and neotenic, i.e., it retains the gills of its earlier liquid-bound stage, refusing to change into a land creature.  Though rarely sited, it is believed by scientists to flourish in scattered springs across the American South.

The Hellbender (Cryptobranchus alleganiensis), also known as The “Allegheny Alligator” or “Devil Dog”, is a giant among salamanders, growing to 29” or 74cm, which completely rejects living on solid ground.  The dramatic names reflect these creatures’ reputation as ferocious attackers and poisonous biters, legendarily tagged as beings aggressively destructive to human pursuits.  In fact they are harmless and feed on bottom dwellers and worms.  They are said to be currently threatened by industrial expansion and dams.

Lesser Sirens make a loud clicking sound when excited, make even louder noises when captured, and also will fight aggressively to keep from being held in place.

Dwarf Sirens are secretive creatures, and during dry spells wrap themselves in mud and hide on the bottoms of existing water holes.

Chameleon males, who are actually distantly-related reptiles, change colors drastically when excited.  They also inflate a large, brightly-colored sac on the underside of their neck when trying to draw the attention of a possible mate.  The trait may account for their name, which derives from the Greek for “ground lion”. 

After successful consummation, however, they quickly disappear into any nearby environment, mimicking their surroundings with their skins and hoarding whatever has been won in the courtship process, even if it is only a genetic memory of the briefest encounter.   Their camouflage, however, is of secondary importance.  Mostly chameleons change colors to get laid.

This persistent behavior crosses suborders among the class Reptilia politicus americanus, but the trait of rapid retreat after the procreative act seems particularly dominant among the seemingly breeding-starved subfamily republicanus.

Chameleons are also distinguished by their parrot-like feet, their separately mobile and stereoscopic eyes, and their very long, highly modified tongues which are sometimes longer than their own body length and can be completely deployed in a fraction of a second. 

Since they do not have an outer or a middle ear, chameleons may actually be deaf to outside vocalization, though some can communicate via vibrations that travel through solid substances, like whatever they are currently using for a perch. 

The soundbite-transmitting marble floor of the media offices in the US House of Representatives serves the politicus in much the same manner.

Gekkos are a large genus, not originally native to America, that have been introduced into the Southeast and Southwest US, and have rapidly spread throughout surrounding regions.  It is often considered an invasive species.  Some specimens are said to have loud calls and fierce bites. 

In a philanthropic and biologically educational move, American advertising has introduced a much tamer species of greenish, upright-walking gekko to public consumers as an insurance mascot. 

And the behavior of a species discovered just a decade ago inhabiting overgrown corners of New York’s Wall Street -- the Gordon Gekko -- has become a role model for a number of American presidential candidates.  One photograph documenting such behavior has created both international notoriety, and intellectual confusion, in the already befuddled scientific community.

Some members of the reptilian family Gekkonidae, though genetically still holding much in common with amphibians, have unique traits quite unlike those of their brethren.

During dry periods the California Newt (Taricha torosa) buries itself in decaying forest detritus and rat burrows.  When threatened, it tries to scare off its attacker by assuming a posture it believes is intimidating, in most cases rolling over and flashing its brightly colored underbelly.

The Eastern Newt (Notophthalmus viridescens) preys largely on worms and insects.  Like most newts the Eastern secretes a poison through its skin so that anything trying to devours it gets a nasty mouthful and spits it back out.  Consequently, it is avoided by what would otherwise be natural predators, and survives.

The Warty Newt, though large (18 centimeters, 7 inches), is an endangered species, and is now said to live only in a central swath of Europe.  Similar to other newts, this creature’s “warts” produce a milky, foul-smelling liquid that keeps predators away.  The Warty Newt flourishes in darkness and is an insatiable eater.  In Europe a government permit is required to interact with warty newts. 

Rumors have it that the same restrictions may soon apply to those rare but invasive examples of the warty species that have shown up in the US, particularly in Southern states like Georgia and Virginia.

Unless otherwise specified, a primary source for the above information on reptiles and amphibians is Wetlands:  The Audubon Society Nature Guides, Alfred A. Knopf, New York, 1989.  Pages 383-394.

Confirming the somewhat speculative data on political species maybe be obtained by first-hand observation of the preening and mating process on Fox News, CNN, CNBC, MSNBC, Headline News, all variety of BBC, and may also be examined in detail daily in most paper-based media outlets.

Class dismissed.

Stop the secrecy: Publish the NHS COVID data deals


To: Matt Hancock, Secretary of State for Health and Social Care

We’re calling on you to immediately release details of the secret NHS data deals struck with private companies, to deliver the NHS COVID-19 datastore.

We, the public, deserve to know exactly how our personal information has been traded in this ‘unprecedented’ deal with US tech giants like Google, and firms linked to Donald Trump (Palantir) and Vote Leave (Faculty AI).

The COVID-19 datastore will hold private, personal information about every single one of us who relies on the NHS. We don’t want our personal data falling into the wrong hands.

And we don’t want private companies – many with poor reputations for protecting privacy – using it for their own commercial purposes, or to undermine the NHS.

The datastore could be an important tool in tackling the pandemic. But for it to be a success, the public has to be able to trust it.

Today, we urgently call on you to publish all the data-sharing agreements, data-impact assessments, and details of how the private companies stand to profit from their involvement.

The NHS is a precious public institution. Any involvement from private companies should be open to public scrutiny and debate. We need more transparency during this pandemic – not less.


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