This piece is a flight of fancy but you can read our serious reporting on Boris Johnson here.

Strictly private. For the eyes of [REDACTED] only

First, the positives. You weren’t ambushed with a cake, so that’s a win. You weren’t watching agricultural-machinery porn on your phone, which, given recent events, is definitely very positive. Nor did you spontaneously combust, implode and disappear into your own digestive tract. (I mean that in the strictly literal sense. In metaphorical terms, well, yes, we’ll come to that.)

I have already told the Good Morning Britain producers that it was totally inappropriate to ask you about your character, your record or your policies. Outrageous. As I told them, the real story here is that Keir Starmer once had a beer.

The culture secretary has already written to Ofgem complaining that ‘GMB’ is clearly a reference to a trade union and that the whole channel is a nest of woke Leftist intrigue that should be privatised immediately. (They’ve unsportingly pointed out that 1. She meant Ofcom and 2. ITV is already in private hands. Research looking into both.)

(Research are also trying to find out if either Susanna Reid or this bus woman has ever had a beer with Keir Starmer.)

Oh, that reminds me, to answer your question on that whole thing, a bus is a large vehicle that the hoi polloi share with each other. No, I don’t think they have dessert trolleys.

I think we could have done more with the ‘are you in touch with the public?’ question. You yourself have shown great leadership in reducing costs, even paying for some decorating yourself. And your staff have started filling suitcases with Rioja rather than vintage Châteauneuf-du-Pape. Oh, the humanity.

Your refusal to impose a windfall tax on energy companies has gone down very well. We’re hearing a lot of positive noises about it. So far mostly just from party donors but still...

We probably won’t stick with “the cost of chickens is crazy” as a slogan, to be honest. No, we don’t have a picture of Starmer having a beer with a chicken. Or a bus.

No, I don’t think Lorraine is in Tyneside (or Teesside). Is it part of France? Someone suggested Germany. The home secretary thought it might be “part of Narnia”. (No, we told her, we can’t send asylum seekers there.) They make quiche. And beer. Yes, Research are looking for a Starmer angle.

In closing

Still some work to do on interview technique, I think. But don’t worry, we’re going to get Prince Andrew in to give you some tips.